This paper is a long time coming. In fact it has probably taken me most of my lifetime to find a definition of love that fits me.
I have been in and out of relationships for a lifetime. I thought I knew what it meant when I said, “I love you!”. But I did not. I started to learn about love after reading Eric Butterworth’s book entitled, “Life is for Loving”. Mr. Butterworth suggests that love is not a noun nor an object. Love is a verb and perhaps should mean, “I’m loving you.” See the difference. Again from Butterworth’s book, he says, “Modern psychology has misled people with its insistence that ‘the greatest need of man is to be loved’. We have been taught to think of love as a commodity rather than a divine process.”
So much of my life I have seen love in my relationships as, “What’s in it for me!” I may have thought I knew what love was but in reality it was all about me. “Take care of me, give me sex, cook for me, take care of me!” What I was really looking for was a caretaker. Maybe that is why I have been married five times. And maybe that is why I am able to talk about love and what it really means for me.
That all changed when my late wife Danielle got sick and we spent the last seven weeks of our lives together at home. For the first time I did not see caring for her as an obligation. I saw it as an opportunity to “be loving!” I was given the gift of caring for her every need and in return I found the gift of listening. The conversations two people have as one approaches death’s door is unique and gratifying. Everything two people ever wanted to say or ask is a gift. We become as one as we see that “loving” is the verb that brings us closer together.
As Danielle sat on the couch one day in those last couple of weeks of her life and her exact words were, “Ray, when I’m gone I want you to find another woman!”
How could I even consider such an idea, The woman I loved was sitting across from me. I told her that was an impossiblity. She then said, “Ray, if you don’t, I’ll come back and find one for you.”
On Christmas Eve 2022 the love of my life passed through that door we call death. But I know in my heart of hearts that is not the end. Danielle and I spoke often of what we believed was on the other side of that door. We saw it as wonderful and magnificent. Danielle went through that door and found out for herself what she and I had talked about so often. She entered through that door fearlessly and satisfied her curiosity about what is on the otherside. And I was able to be loving as I felt only joy in her passing.
It wasn’t long after her passing that I had that magical moment where Danielle’s words of finding another woman came true. I think somehow Danielle had a hand in what followed. I met Diann standing in line at Starbuck’s. The look that passed between us has never left us. I paid for her hot chocolate and invited her to join me with my coffee. We spent 2 ½ hours talking before we parted company. The rest is history. We were married on August 16th, 2024.
Since that magical day at Starbucks, I have had the opportunity to embrace the idea of loving another person. After first meeting we would talk (and listen) to each other sometimes for hours at a time and several times a day over the phone. Since being married, we still spend time every morning reading and talking together. There is something incredibly sexy about listening to Diann give her opinions and thoughts on something we have just read or in talking and listening to our past lives along with being in the moment and listening to her wisdom.
For the first time in my life I no longer have secrets because I have become so transparent as I speak of those secrets in my life because I truly trust Diann. We have both bared our souls and today a freedom exists that I have never known before. And for the first time in my life, and I really mean this, I feel loved. Loved for who I am not for who I think I must be to prove myself to another.
I have learned much about myself. My need to control, my ability to forgive. I am now aware of when I am trying to control and when I have the need to prove myself right over nonsensical issues. Diann and I talk about these things and we make the changes we see we need to make. I have learned when to speak and when to bite my tongue. With the two of us respecting each other and talking about anything, we have never had a fight or non-respectful disagreement. Peace rather than chaos reigns in our relationship.
Recently I was in the hospital with pneumonia (Legionairre’s Disease). First time in my life in a hospital overnight. Diann came multiple times a day and just sat with me. I had done the same with her when she had been in the hospital. Not out of a sense of obligation but because that is what loving Diann is all about.
We travel so well together. Whether a long road trip, a cruise, or by train, we enjoy being together. No words need to be spoken to feel the oneness between us. Other times it seems as if the miles slip by as we talk and listen to each other.
On one of our trips we had a list of questions to ask each other based on a couple’s game we had purchased. It was a list of questions to ask each other to get to know each other better. The questions were across the board and even included some questions about sex. Interestingly, we found that we knew exactly how we would answer each other’s question.
Today we do almost everything together but leave space for ourselves. We support and encourage each other’s endeavors. We are kind, caring and compassionate and we are at peace. More peaceful than we have ever been. The mutual respect we have for each other defies definition.
We learned together the meaning of loving ourselves first and finding the uniqueness and self-worth in ourselves. We have studied together and enjoyed the growth we see in one another. We don’t have to work at our relationship, we have learned to live in the moment and everything good seems to fall into place. I no longer say “I love you” as much as I say “I’m loving you!”
I waited a lifetime for love to come my way in such a easy fashion. But I also spent a lifetime learning what love is and what it is not. The time I have left on this planet is filled with peace and loving.
It has taken a lifetime but I will never trade what I have with Diann. What we have together is perfect.
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