What do chocolate and the Fourth Step have in common? Maybe nothing. On the other hand, they may have a great deal in common.
Recently, I took a continuing education class from the University of New Mexico. It was a three hour, evening class, entitled “Extreme Chocolate”. I was indulging my interest in cooking and in particular, trying to learn how to make a Red Chile Mole recipe. I also learned lots about chocolate in general, and I participated in making Chocolate Mousse, Truffles, and Mexican Hot Chocolate. In New Mexico, these would all be considered necessary tools for survival.
You may be asking yourself about now, what does all this have to do with the Fourth Step? Allow me to explain.
Most of my life was spent in fear. Fear of how I would fit in, fear of the unknown, fear of raising my hand to ask a question, fear of rejection, and fear of what would others think. I was filled with fear.
Being a law enforcement officer, I confronted danger on a regular basis and did so by confronting fear successfully on a regular basis. I didn’t back away from confrontation of fear of the unknown when entering a building to search for a suspect. The fears associated with my job in law enforcement were lessened because I had been trained to deal with dangerous situations.
My first AA and POF meeting was on a Thursday night in Eagle Rock, California. Following that meeting, I had the thought that if I did what these people told me, I could achieve sobriety. My plan was to attend these meetings every Thursday night. But there was a problem. On Sunday night, I wanted a drink in the worst way. I knew I would drink again unless I did something about it. I now know how Bill W. felt when he thought he would start drinking again and he reached out for help. I was an infant in AA and was not sure how to proceed. I did not know of any POF meetings, but I remembered there was an Alano Club in town I had found when working patrol. I took a chance and went to the club. The meeting was scheduled to begin only a few minutes after I arrived. There were only 5 of us and I was in a suit, having just come from church. The other 4 were dressed in motorcycle leathers and I immediately stereotyped them as motorcycle gang types. I had been in a shooting involving a motorcycle gang a few years earlier, so my fear level was intensified. I thought about leaving but was afraid what the others would think.
I sat in that meeting frozen in fear. I was asked to read something but don’t remember today what it was. I just knew I was in the wrong place and sat frozen in fear. As the meeting continued and these men started to share, I found that I was really no different from them. I was suffering from the same disease. We shared a common denominator, and that was we all had succumbed to the long term effects of alcohol. My fear was dissolving.
By the end of the meeting, I had not only briefly shared, but I had told them of being a cop. They had a good laugh over that and joked that we had all probably met somewhere before. Going to that meeting was the best experience in the world for me. It introduced me to the real world of Alcoholics Anonymous and, to this day, I have never feared entering a meeting I have not been to before.
The next step in my sobriety was to work the Steps. It took me almost six months before I could work that Fourth Step. I was afraid to look at my past in the mirror being held to my face. But I finished that Step after much prayer and contemplation. I did it as fearlessly as I could and then followed up with the Fifth and Sixth Steps.
The results were amazing. Most of my fears were gone. I was able to step out into the world in freedom. I was no longer enslaved by my fears. Today I fit in because I am me, and some people seem to like me the way I am. I know I do. I raise my hands and ask those questions that prove to the instructors that there really are stupid questions, but I don’t care, I get my answers. And, finally, I can walk into a room of 15 women and take a cooking class about chocolate.
Today, I walk a life, filled with fun, freedom, respect for myself, but best of all, I walk fearlessly through my life.
Hope this may be of some help to you.
Thanks for letting me share!!!
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