PERFECTLY IMPERFECT (Written May 2007)

“You’ll never amount to anything!” “You’re nothing but a lazy bum!” “You stop your crying or I will give you something to cry about!” “Don’t be such a cry baby!” “Why don’t you grow up!” “You stupid jackass!” “You’ll do as I say or else!”

Any of these phrases sound familiar to you? I am sure each of you could add many of your own. These are the phrases that used to play in my head. They were put there by the people who were important to me; my parents, my teachers, and others. I don’t think they set out to provide me with a poor self image, and in most cases, I don’t think they ever intended to hurt me. Over the years, however, these phrases became my crutch. I could blame others for my failures and lack of accomplishment. Even my drinking must have been caused by them. I think many of us over compensated by trying to live our lives to please others. We always strived for perfection and when we did not accomplish perfection, we heard those voices again. It took me a long time after I sobered up and joined AA to get the voices out of my head and take responsibility for my own life. I could continue to blame them or I could purge myself of my worthless self image and regain the perfect person God created when I entered this world.

My Higher Power has sent me many teachers since my first baby steps in sobriety. My friends in AA provided me with my first words of wisdom. My wife, children, and other relatives and friends guided me on my return to perfection. God even put obstacles in my path so that I could learn from the experiences. He/She continues to give me pop quizzes to see if I have really learned the lessons. I was even able to sit down with my parents and resolve my issues with them. Before they passed on,, I was able to work through my anger to allow love and forgiveness to return.

My dog, Bear, also provides me with wisdom. Each morning as part of my routine, I play ball with Bear. Bear probably would have been an alcoholic had he been human. He has a great obsession with chasing this ball. Even after one of our 6 mile hikes, as soon as we return home he is dropping the ball at my feet. Anyway, Bear loves to catch the ball on the first bounce. He jumps high into the air to catch the ball. Maybe one out of ten times he is successful. The point is, it doesn’t matter to Bear whether he is successful in catching the ball or not, he just enjoys chasing that ball. It does not affect who he is, he just goes on enjoying life.

I chase my ball each day as well. It is the way I choose to live life. Perfection has taken on a new meaning to me. The old saying, “God doesn’t make any junk” or “God’s not through with me yet” takes on new meaning. Today I achieve perfection by reminding myself of the Steps and working them on a daily basis. I know with confidence that this “Power, greater than ourselves” is restoring me to sanity. I can admit when I am wrong and seek forgiveness from others. I have the ability to forgive others when I am wronged. He/She removes my shortcomings and provides me with those pop quizzes to see how I am progressing. I forgive myself and get back on track. I no longer beat myself up for what I previously believed were failures. What I once perceived as failures are those times when I miss the ball on the first bounce. I can still have fun chasing the ball. In other words, I can still live life with a passion.

I can ensure that I never say those things that caused me so much pain to others. Instead of tearing others down, I can build them up. I am allowed to practice the Eleventh and Twelfth Steps. Through prayer and mediation I gain the knowledge of His/Her will for my life. My spiritual awakening allows me to practice these principles in all my affairs and give back to this wonderful world I live in.

The phrases that used to govern my self-image are now only phantoms of the past. Their energy is gone and no longer identifies who I am. I am successful in all that I do because there is no such thing as failure.

I know that in many cases, I am preaching to the choir. You have learned these lessons as you trudged the road of happy destiny. I think I am glad I went through what I went through to get to where I am today because I might not have otherwise learned these important lessons about living.

I would like to share with you a prayer I often refer to:

“My child, the love of God soothes me and quiets my soul:

“My child I love you with an everlasting love. Know that I am with you always guiding you and making your way safe. There is no place you can ever go where I am not there with you.

“My child, I am here for you through every challenge of life. Give Me your worries and fears. Accept my peace, for it is a peace that passes all understanding. I give it to you freely and completely.

“Let me guide you, and I will show you a world filled with more blessings than you could ever imagine. Believe in Me child, for I have always believed in you.”

Thanks for letting me share!!!

MIRACLE IN THE STARS

This is a love story…written in the stars.

As Danielle and I were dating, we had made the decision to live apart until we were married. She on her small ranch and me in my home on the Deer Canyon Nature Preserve, both in central New Mexico. We were separated by about a 20 minute drive.

Both Danielle and I are early risers and I especially enjoyed walking my two dogs, Sunny and Skye early in the morning. Sunny was a Chow-Golden Retrieve mix and sweet as pie. Skye was an Australian Cattle Dog and full of life. Both were extremely well behaved, my amazing partners and they loved to walk and run in the half hour or so before dawn.

My home sat alone on an 18,000 acre nature preserve where all vegetation and animal life was protected. I could not see my neighbor and the dogs and I could walk up the side of the mesa on a well defined trail. The dogs were off leash and that left me to behold the wonders of nature that surrounded me. With so little light pollution, the stars gave off enough light that I did not need a light to guide my path. I used to tell people that on a moonlit night you could sit outside and read the newspaper, it was so bright. As the three of us walked, we were surrounded by silence, peace, and the overwhelming presence of nature and God.

One morning, as I was walking, I looked up at the stars and my attention was immediately drawn to three very bright stars. These stars were aligned in a constellation and shape of a triangle, . It really caught my attention, and immediately I felt a divine tug. Not sure how to adequately describe it but I felt as if there was some significant meaning to what I was seeing. And then it came to me. It was meant to show my relationship with God and with Danielle. It was my own holy trinity. God, Danielle and I were represented by the three sides of the triangle. We were inside the triangle and we were meant to be together. I believed that we were divinely destined to be together.

I was anxious to return home and call Danielle to tell her of my experience. It was my habit to call Danielle each morning following my walk to spend a few minutes on the phone before our days began. I called Danielle.

Now lets here Danielle’s side of the story:

“Following my divorce, I had been alone for a few years and was not sure I should be entering into another permanent relationship. Even if I made that decision I questioned whether Ray was the man for me. In my prayers I asked God for a sign that I was making the right decision to move ahead with Ray.”

“One early morning, before dawn, I looked into the night sky and I saw three very bright stars. They were in the shape of a triangle and I saw this as a sign that God, Ray, and I were entwined in the triangle. I felt so strongly about this that I prayed to God that if Ray was right for me, let him see the same sign. But even as I prayed this prayer I thought this was an impossibility.”

“Twenty minutes later the phone rang and Ray said, “You need to go outside and look into the sky at three bright stars that are in the shape of a triangle. I think it means that God, you and me are meant to be together.”

“What? My head was in a spin. Was this really happening? I couldn’t believe it! I was so happy but I was still having difficulty wrapping my head around it. Both Ray and I were in a state of amazement as we went over the story again and again. God was real! My prayer really had been answered!”

Final Decision

From that moment on, Danielle and I were all in. This was not coincidence, this was not fate, this was faith in action. God is! It was apparent to both of us that our marriage was meant to be. To this day, we often revisit this story of the miracle in the stars and we still get goose-bumps as we relive the story. We have also used this experience as a way of anchoring our relationship. In difficult times or in times of disagreement, we remind each other of the story in the stars. This was our covenant with God. It was a divine agreement between the three of us. God had given us his promise and it was ours to keep. We knew in those few sacred moments that we indeed had a God who listens and lives.

Soon thereafter, following a church service, I knelt on my knees in the sanctuary of our church, and asked Danielle to be my wife. She said the word I had longed to hear, a resounding “YES”. On May 16, 2015, we took God at his word which was given to us in this sign in the sky, and we were married in our church in Albuquerque, New Mexico.

One last thing! Following that moment with the triangle of stars showing themselves to us, we have never seen them again. We looked the following day, the constellation was gone. We have looked many times. We even looked on the anniversary of the event; they were no where to be seen. We truly believe this moment was exclusively meant for us. It was our Star of Bethlehem moment and as we remember, we will continue to sing praises to God our King.

Our destiny was written in the stars.

THE GIFT OF SOBRIETY

I had an interesting experience the other day that I am sure is not unique to me. I was returning home from New Mexico and had stopped in Scottsdale, Arizona to spend the night. I was hungry and decided to try a Korean restaurant within walking distance of the hotel. It was early, so the restaurant was nearly empty of customers. I was escorted to my table by the waitress and after perusing the menu, made my order.

As I awaited my food, I glanced up and saw an advertisement for Sake. As I looked at the poster, I remembered how much I loved hot Sake. I could remember the taste and the warmth as it found its way down to my stomach. I could recall the way it made me feel. And then, just for a moment, I had the thought. I could have just one. No one would know. I was out of town, none of my family or AA friends were around. I was over 21 and I would be the only one to know, and I certainly wouldn’t tell anyone.

Sound familiar? After more than 23 years of sobriety, I found that alcohol continues to be “cunning, baffling, and powerful.” I did not order the Sake nor have I taken a drink, but it did give me the chance to reflect on my life in sobriety. I took a good hard look at my life and the contrast between my drinking and my sobriety.

The best way to describe my days before sobriety was that my life was a wilderness. I could not cultivate or nourish my soul because nothing could survive there except fear, anger, disappointment, and depression. In retrospect, my life was a vast wasteland. And then Twelve simple Steps and you, my friends in AA, changed all that. I found sobriety.

In sobriety, I have been able to plant that garden and decorate my soul. My life is filled with joy. I have my family and my friends. I have my self-respect and I have a purpose in life. I get to give back and make up for all those years when I was drinking and the only way of living was to take, take, take, and to make life miserable for those around me. Today I have a great joy in helping others.

I was recently told I do not do volunteer work. I do “pro bono” work. Whatever you want to call it, it is part of doing Twelve Step work.

So, as I walked out of the restaurant, I felt as if I had won. I had faced my enemy and found victory. I could once again resume my position of walking a couple of feet off the ground and feeling good about who and what I am today. I will, however, keep my guard up.

I hope you do not think I am gloating, for it is only through the love provided to me by my Higher Power and the life program of AA that I receive the gift of self-worth. Many of you continue to assist me by your kind words, your prayers, your energy, and your moral and financial support. Thank you for caring.

THE LED ZEPPLIN COMES TO TOWN

Being a Deputy Sheriff I soon learned that people seemed to like to hear the stories of some of my experiences. I usually only tell them to some of my closest friends. They vary from funny to sad to crazy. This is one of those once in a lifetime stories of my unexpected encounter with Robert Plant, (lead singer of the Led Zeppelin rock band), Scotland Yard and my scoring backstage passes for a Led Zeppelin concert.

This all began back in the late 1970’s. I was assigned to work the night detective car at the Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Department Temple Station. Temple Station is located in the small town of Temple City, California a suburb located approximately a dozen miles from downtown Los Angeles.

On this particular evening, my partner had called in sick and I was working alone. Around 10 o’clock that night I received a phone call from London, England. This in and of itself was unusual and of course stimulated my curiosity. A male identifying himself as a someone who provided security for Robert Plant of the Led Zeppelin asked for my assistance. He related the following story:

A phone call was traced to a phone booth in our town of Temple City. The young male on the phone had managed to get through on the phone to Robert Plant. The caller identified himself as a doctor and was telling Robert Plant he had cancer and was going to die. Now this caller was very convincing because in order to get through to Robert Plant you had to go through Scotland Yard. The caller had convinced an officer in Scotland Yard that he was the real deal and had been transferred to Robert Plant. The security person I was speaking with said they had managed to trace the call and in fact still had the caller on the line. I was given the location of the phone booth, which was only a couple of blocks from the Sheriff’s Station. I jumped in my unmarked unit and raced to the phone booth. Sure enough, there was a young male talking on the phone. When he saw me approaching the phone booth he quickly hung up the phone. I immediately recognized the suspect as someone I had dealt with many times. Someone who seemed to be getting into trouble without even trying.

I detained the suspect and transported him to the Station where he admitted his wrongdoing. He said, he was angry and upset that the Led Zeppelin had cancelled a tour date for which he had tickets. He was directing his anger at Mr. Plant to get even for him cancelling the concert. This very imaginative young man had managed to get through to Mr. Plant and pass himself off as a doctor, telling him he had a case of incurable cancer.

Robert Plant had, in fact, cancelled the concert as he had broken his arm and was unable to perform. I called the security agent back and asked if they wanted to prosecute. I was told they preferred not to prosecute and if I was able to supply them with a photo of the suspect, they would be willing to let him go.

The suspect agreed to let me take his photo, in fact was enthusiastic about it as now the Led Zeppelin would know his identity and would have his picture. He was stoked!

I mailed the photo to the security agent and I thought that was the end of it. A couple of months later I received a call from the security agent. He said the Led Zeppelin was going to be performing in Los Angeles and they would like to invite me and my friends as guests. He sent me 12 front row guest passes along with backstage passes.

I was not into 1970’s rock in those days. But my younger brother Don was and I gave him the passes. Later he told me he had an amazing evening seeing the concert and meeting the band members following the performance.

All in all, it was a fun caper!