“You’ll never amount to anything!” “You’re nothing but a lazy bum!” “You stop your crying or I will give you something to cry about!” “Don’t be such a cry baby!” “Why don’t you grow up!” “You stupid jackass!” “You’ll do as I say or else!”
Any of these phrases sound familiar to you? I am sure each of you could add many of your own. These are the phrases that used to play in my head. They were put there by the people who were important to me; my parents, my teachers, and others. I don’t think they set out to provide me with a poor self image, and in most cases, I don’t think they ever intended to hurt me. Over the years, however, these phrases became my crutch. I could blame others for my failures and lack of accomplishment. Even my drinking must have been caused by them. I think many of us over compensated by trying to live our lives to please others. We always strived for perfection and when we did not accomplish perfection, we heard those voices again. It took me a long time after I sobered up and joined AA to get the voices out of my head and take responsibility for my own life. I could continue to blame them or I could purge myself of my worthless self image and regain the perfect person God created when I entered this world.
My Higher Power has sent me many teachers since my first baby steps in sobriety. My friends in AA provided me with my first words of wisdom. My wife, children, and other relatives and friends guided me on my return to perfection. God even put obstacles in my path so that I could learn from the experiences. He/She continues to give me pop quizzes to see if I have really learned the lessons. I was even able to sit down with my parents and resolve my issues with them. Before they passed on,, I was able to work through my anger to allow love and forgiveness to return.
My dog, Bear, also provides me with wisdom. Each morning as part of my routine, I play ball with Bear. Bear probably would have been an alcoholic had he been human. He has a great obsession with chasing this ball. Even after one of our 6 mile hikes, as soon as we return home he is dropping the ball at my feet. Anyway, Bear loves to catch the ball on the first bounce. He jumps high into the air to catch the ball. Maybe one out of ten times he is successful. The point is, it doesn’t matter to Bear whether he is successful in catching the ball or not, he just enjoys chasing that ball. It does not affect who he is, he just goes on enjoying life.
I chase my ball each day as well. It is the way I choose to live life. Perfection has taken on a new meaning to me. The old saying, “God doesn’t make any junk” or “God’s not through with me yet” takes on new meaning. Today I achieve perfection by reminding myself of the Steps and working them on a daily basis. I know with confidence that this “Power, greater than ourselves” is restoring me to sanity. I can admit when I am wrong and seek forgiveness from others. I have the ability to forgive others when I am wronged. He/She removes my shortcomings and provides me with those pop quizzes to see how I am progressing. I forgive myself and get back on track. I no longer beat myself up for what I previously believed were failures. What I once perceived as failures are those times when I miss the ball on the first bounce. I can still have fun chasing the ball. In other words, I can still live life with a passion.
I can ensure that I never say those things that caused me so much pain to others. Instead of tearing others down, I can build them up. I am allowed to practice the Eleventh and Twelfth Steps. Through prayer and mediation I gain the knowledge of His/Her will for my life. My spiritual awakening allows me to practice these principles in all my affairs and give back to this wonderful world I live in.
The phrases that used to govern my self-image are now only phantoms of the past. Their energy is gone and no longer identifies who I am. I am successful in all that I do because there is no such thing as failure.
I know that in many cases, I am preaching to the choir. You have learned these lessons as you trudged the road of happy destiny. I think I am glad I went through what I went through to get to where I am today because I might not have otherwise learned these important lessons about living.
I would like to share with you a prayer I often refer to:
“My child, the love of God soothes me and quiets my soul:
“My child I love you with an everlasting love. Know that I am with you always guiding you and making your way safe. There is no place you can ever go where I am not there with you.
“My child, I am here for you through every challenge of life. Give Me your worries and fears. Accept my peace, for it is a peace that passes all understanding. I give it to you freely and completely.
“Let me guide you, and I will show you a world filled with more blessings than you could ever imagine. Believe in Me child, for I have always believed in you.”
Thanks for letting me share!!!
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