Category: Live Life in Sobriety

“Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.”I see three parts to this important Step.

1. To believe
2. That a Power
3. Could restore me to sanity

As I started coming out of my alcoholic haze, I pretty much overlooked this important Step. I read it, I understood it, (I thought) and I moved on to the next Step.

I was not interested in believing in anything, especially not a Power greater than me, and I knew for a fact I was insane. It wasn’t until the haze began to clear that I realized my alcoholic condition had rendered me totally insane.

At the time, the only thing I truly believed in was that another drink would keep me sane, The “hair of the dog” was a belief I could take to the bank. Another drink would keep me from going over the edge. My addiction was out of control, I just didn’t know it. Until I did.

Believing in anything except my SELF was foreign to me. I only believed in ME! God and I had been estranged for a very long time. He/She was only out to get me and I wanted nothing to do with God. In retrospect I realize that the idea that there was a God I wanted nothing to do with meant that I did BELIEVE in God.

And what about insanity? I read the definition of sanity this morning. I read, “The ability to think and behave in a normal, rational, manner; sound mental health.” And conversely, the definition of insanity, “The state of being seriously mentally ill; madness.”

Those definitions leave a lot to the imagination. I think most of us in recovery have our own definition of insanity. The insanity temporarily rendered to us by our own alcoholism. When we realized the hold that alcohol had on our lives, our minds, our hearts, our emotions, we were seriously insane. For me, it was about fear and anger. They overpowered my thought processes and reigned over all of my emotions.

A friend to many of us in AA, Janice Rea, who passed away suddenly several years ago used to openly talk about her insanity, inside and out of sobriety. She joked about her insane way of living and yet was an icon of what it was like to live fearlessly. She involved herself in everything and anything that interested her. She had found a new life in AA and she enjoyed living freely with what she referred to as “an insane lifestyle. And those of who knew her gravitated to her and listened to her wisdom. Janice died doing what she loved to do. She fell off a cliff while practicing her search and rescue work. All these years later I still embrace her wisdom and her insanity.

If sanity is what Janice had in sobriety, I want some of it. Finding my physical sobriety, my spiritual sobriety, and my emotional sobriety is the journey I am on. And the journey has been exciting.

As I work this Step, I have found new freedoms. I have found a Higher Power I call God but that God was discovered when I entered the halls of Alcoholics Anonymous. My God is no longer a God who requires dogmatic adherence to certain behaviors or types of worship. My Higher Power is a God of love who accepts me as perfect in spite of my imperfections. My God no longer judges me! And I do my best to stay away from judging others.

I have been re-reading a book I read many years ago entitled, “Conversations with God” by Neale Donald Walsh. I found a few paragraphs that explained who I was and what I was. This is God’s response to a question posed by Walsh:

“I have not said your values are wrong. But neither are they right. They are simply judgment. Assessments. Decisions. For the most part, they are decisions made not by you, but by someone else. Your parents, perhaps. Your religion. Your teachers., historians, politicians.”

“Very few of your value judgments you have incorporated into your truth are judgments, you, yourself, have made based upon your own experience. Yet experience is what you came here for – and out of your experience were you to create yourself. You have created yourself out of the experience of others.”

“If there were such a thing as sin, this would be it: to allow yourself to become what you are because of the experience of others. This is the ‘sin’ you have committed. All of you. You do not await your own experience, you accept the experience of others as gospel (literally), and then, when you encounter the actual experience for the first time, you overlay what you think you already know onto the encounter.”

Editor’s Notes:
This past month has been both frustrating and rewarding. The number of alcohol referrals has increased significantly. I am told this is usual for this time of year. I would have thought that business would be up over the Christmas holidays, but apparently not. Spring brings with it the financial pressures resulting from overspending during December and problems associated with April income tax. Depression following the holidays is also common. These and other problems relate to increased drinking, and an increase in business for me.

The frustration comes from dealing with the alcoholic who doesn’t think he/she needs help. I try to remember that I am only the messenger; I have no control over the alcoholic and am not responsible for his/her recovery. Detoxification, in-patient and out-patient services, 90 meetings in 90 days, and on-going twelfth step sessions are the tools necessary to help the practicing alcoholic on his/her road to recovery. Often it is necessary to allow the suffering alcoholic to continue on his/her path of destruction, until they realize their need for help. It is not easy to stand by and watch a fellow employee or friend lose their job, family or life.

The rewards, it would seem, come from helping those who see the problems alcohol is creating in their lives and are willing to take steps to gain sobriety. They attend meetings and listen to the wisdom provided by each of you. They are enthusiastic in their approach to working the program and usually succeed. They find a sponsor and work the 12 steps to the best of their abilities.

In my recovery, I was representative of the individuals I have described. Initially I came kicking and screaming. I did not need a program. I was not an alcoholic, even though deep down I knew I had the disease. In helping those who still suffer, the work is difficult and the frustration is high. I hope for an “easier, softer way” but it is not to be. I must continue to carry the message and allow God to do his work.

I’d also like to thank each of you who take time out at your meetings to pray for the alcoholic who still suffers. Your prayers are working.

Thank you for allowing me to share.

During the last 12 months we have dealt with the Twelve Steps and how they apply to those of us in recovery. So, now that we have practiced these principles in all of our affairs, what’s next?

What do we do when some of those bad habits persist? The Steps give us ways of dealing with most problematic behavior but what of those behaviors we cannot be free of?

I remember sitting in a Speaker’s Meeting after I had nearly a year of sobriety. The lady speaker was saying that after working the Steps she felt there was more needed. Her answer was to seek counseling with a psychologist. “What? I was amazed! You mean I could seek help outside of AA?”

Hearing those words I felt as if I had permission to seek help where AA did not always provide an answer. AA had given me freedom from drinking but did not always have the answers to my problems.

One of my problems was my anger. My anger would erupt at the least expected times. I had always been somewhat of a rebel and for the most part I had dealt with that issue but I still often felt anger.

I remember after hearing that lady speak at that meeting. I went to one of our department psychologists, not really sure what my issue was. During one of the visits I was suddenly struck with an overwhelming sense of grief. I could not control my emotions linked to the death of my grandmother many years before. It was apparent I had never grieved for the most important person in my life because I had been told boys don’t cry.

I went through the grieving process as if my grandmother had died the day before. As a result I understood myself a bit better and some of my anger seemed to disappear but not entirely.

As I worked on other aspects of my behavior I still had an underlying anger.

Fast forward to a couple of years ago. I had long ago been able to control my anger. The Vietnamese Buddhist Thich Nhat Hanh wrote a book entitled “Anger”. That book was the most helpful in helping me understand and control my anger.

Following the death of my wife I met Diana. We had many long conversations, sometimes several a day for many hours at a time. During these conversations a trust began to form. We both began sharing stories from our past that we had never shared with anyone. I allowed myself to become vulnerable and transparent. Maybe for the first time in my life I began to establish a trust in another person.

The changes in me must have been very subtle because I realized one day that I was no longer angry. Whatever that anger I had felt before was totally gone. Like magic it had completely disappeared. I did not understand the reason but I was totally at peace.

Diann explained that maybe it was because we had both become so totally vulnerable in our relationship with each other that we had established trust and as a result we were able to share so very much with each other.

Many of you know what I am talking a about because you have known this type of trust with another. I did not.

As a preface to what had been happening to me these last couple of years, I had begun to confront what Bill W. said about achieving emotional sobriety. The book I have mentioned before is “12 Smart Things to do when the Booze and Drugs are Gone.” It was written by a recovering alcoholic, Allen Berger, Ph.D.

It may seem like I continue to nag about the importance of this book, but for me it has brought me such peace and understanding of how I deal with my emotions. I recommend the book to you much as I might recommend a good restaurant to you. The food is so good I want to share the experience.

I had some habits I wanted to be free of. I wanted to find a way to heal myself. My friend Ed Start, recommended the book to me and I listened.

My helpers are the Big Book, the Steps, and those of you who help me in my recovery and my attempt to remain sober. There are others who can help also in helping us become more of who we want to be. Trust has become my new companion.

I forget about those New Year’s Resolutions and I just try to be the best I can be for me!

Thanks for letting me share!!!