Author: Ray Terhorst

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THE KISSING ROCKS

I think most of us have a favorite place on earth. Mine is located on the Central Coast of California on the Monterey Peninsula in the small town of Pacific Grove.

Located on the Pacific Ocean it is near the now famous Monterey Aquarium. Monterey Bay is one of the most unique ocean environments. Deep and wide, many species of sea life abound. Some species are not found anywhere else on earth.

Seals and Sea Otters are prolific and can be found wherever you go. Forty or more years ago the otters neared extinction so 100 miles of coastline was set aside as protected habitat and today the otters abound. The Seals have become somewhat of a problem since they have increased in their numbers and are protected by law. But they are fun to see and watch as they play.

As a youngster, my parents took my sister Norma and I to Pacific Grove often. About a 6 to 8 hour drive depending on which way you go. Often we took the now famous Highway One with its spectacular views of the ocean from cliffs high above.

I remember the first time we passed Hearst Castle. I was about 7 or 8 years old and the Castle was still inhabited occasionally by William Randolph Hearst. I could not speak I was so entranced in seeing the castle located high upon a hill. It was so intriguing as I remembered stories of castles we read about in school. I could imagine tapestries, secret hideaways and fireplaces that opened when one found the secret place that opened it into that secret room. Knights and evil sorcerers were having sword fights in my imagination.

Big Sur was another highlight of Highway One. The beauty of the redwoods kissing the bright blue ocean is spectacular.

Those early days in Pacific Grove were usually spent watching the waves hit the rocks, listening to the fog horn which could be heard all over Pacific Grove. Driving the Seventeen Mile Drive and seeing the Lone Cypress and Pebble Beach Golf Course. Point Lobos was another favorite. Enjoying each of these spots always included walking out on the rocks. In many cases we had to dodge the spray from the ocean pounding on the rocks. Sometimes we would park the car along the road in Pacific Grove and walk along the rocky shoreline. Tide pools drew us to them as we were able to see firsthand sea creatures; crabs, small fish, and more. I would put my hands into the cold water and look under rocks and touch some of the flora in the pool. It has always been so special to me to witness nature up close and personal. Otters, Seals, and Whales abounded in the area. My mom collected very tiny pieces of colored glass that had been washed and made smooth by the continual beating on the rocks. She carefully placed them into a small glass container. There were clear pieces, as well as green, blue, and red. We also found some of the most amazing pieces of driftwood that we added to our collection of treasures. On our first trip to Monterey, Norma was four and I was five and we were crawling on the rocks at Lover’s Point when we saw these red crabs. All I remember is that they scared the wits out of Norma and me as we visualized being pinched by their claws.

The wharf in Monterey was not to be missed. Restaurants in those early days featured Abalone Steaks, unknown to other restaurants throughout the United States. The taste is amazing. Back then it was affordable and Abalone could be seen often in the rocks around Pacific Grove. Today the prices are off the charts often going for a hundred dollars a pound.
The wharf also featured sea food markets where my dad would buy a Salmon and have it packed in ice, for our drive home on our last day of our trip. Those markets no longer exist today.

We would often drive an hour north to just north of Santa Cruz to walk through the Henry Cowell Redwoods (Theodore Roosevelt was one of the first to visit). These hundreds of years old redwoods towered high above us, some over 300 feet tall. They were so thick that there were many places the sun could not penetrate. After this visit we would go next door to ride the steam train at Roaring Camp in Felton. This lumber train would go high into the redwoods in open cars so we could view nature in its finest.

The memories I had of Pacific Grove and the surrounding area that I had visited so many times as a kid was my Heaven on Earth.

In 2023 I took Diann to Monterey and Pacific Grove. She immediately fell in love with the area. Her favorite thing to do was to sit and watch the ocean. The shoreline is mostly rocky and when the waves hit the rocks there are some pretty spectacular splashes, some going many feet into the air.

We returned in 2025 we returned. It was a four day road trip from Missouri, but we also had fun as we drove the 1800 miles to get there.

On this trip I introduced Diann to the Kissing Rocks. Two rocks who touched each other and gave the appearance of kissing. Located in an observation point was a bench. It overlooked the rocks and sitting there with Diann was moments of absolute peace and contentment. We often sat in silence for an hour or more. On other occasions we spoke of our life together and how blessed we were to have found each other. In this lifetime I have never experienced such an amazing relationship with such a wonderful partner.’

Now understand, Pacific Grove today is a very desirable tourist location and is often very crowded as it was during our stay. But each time, (and there were several) we stopped to sit on “our bench” it was always available and empty. The Universe seemed to make sure it would remain special to us.

It is difficult to put into words how a relationship can be more perfect. In the time we have been together there have been no fights, no unkind words, no interest in controlling the other. Just peace! A peaceful feeling of unconditional love!The Oneness we experience is something I have looked for all of my life. I learned so much about how I created problems in former relationships. I will try my best not to screw things up this time.

So, my friends, if you should be in Pacific Grove, locate the Kissing Rocks. When you do, we give you permission to sit on our magical bench.

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DRIVING LESSONS, OH MY!

Danielle and her younger sister Debbie, both grew up in South Dakota in Piedmont, a town near Rapid City. Danielle went to high school in the infamous town of Sturgis. Sturgis is better known for its annual motorcycle festival featuring many of the motorcycle groups and some motorcycle gangs. Some displayed their anti-social behavior. Sturgis high school was known as the “Scoopers” allegedly because they could scoop people right off the field. It may have had a more ominous beginning, being as it was a rural livestock area. You decide.

As teenagers, Danielle and Deb lived on a very large ranch consisting of several thousand acres. They had access to pickup trucks, cars, all-terrain vehicles (ATV), and golf carts. They were able to practice their driving skills as they cavorted around their ranch.

One day, Deb asked Danielle if she would give her a driving lesson so she could get her license. She wanted to learn how to drive on the Interstate. Danielle agreed, and was using her 1968 Ford Mustang convertible for the lesson. Danielle said the mustang looked much like any other family car. Right! This family car was candy-apple red with a white racing stripe down the side of the car and a very white interior, and modified exhaust. Certainly this car did not draw much attention.

Deb was driving as they tooled down the Interstate. A four lane highway (two lanes in each direction) with a 75 mile per hour speed limit. As luck would have it they came upon a slower moving Studebaker being driven by an old man in a hat, moving slowly along in the # 1 lane or the lane closest to the center. Deb slowed and asked Danielle if she should pass him on the right. Speaking from experience, Danielle, said it would be best not to pass on the right as sometimes people change lanes suddenly and she didn’t want her car wrecked. She told Deb to be patient and wait for the car to move over.

Deb, always one to follow good advice, immediately swung into the right lane to pass and just as she moved into the right lane,the Studebaker moved into her lane forcing Deb onto the shoulder. Deb immediately sped up and managed to overtake and pass the car on the right shoulder, She was able to get off the shoulder and get back onto the Interstate. Danielle was nervously recovering from the near miss but Deb seemed to be taking it all in stride. As Deb moved back onto the paved road in front of the slower moving car, she calmly asked Danielle, “Is this where I flip him off?”

First and last lesson…Deb passed her driving test with flying colors!

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LISTENING and LOVE

I remember as a youngster being admonished by my parents to listen to what they were saying. Often the reproach for not listening was something like, “You’re not listening to me” or “When are you going to start listening to what I tell you.” Parents for the most part were concerned for our welfare and truthfully I was not listening or more often disregarded what they were saying.

I have many memories of not obeying or listening to my parents efforts to keep me safe. I lived in Arcadia, California. We were only a few miles from the San Gabriel Mountain foothills. My friend Bob and I often packed a lunch and rode our bikes up Santa Anita Avenue to the base of the foothills, a very long and steep climb on a bicycle. We would eat our lunches on a knoll overlooking the valley below. The for the fun part! We coasted down Santa Anita Avenue on our bikes. Bob’s speedometer on his bike would peg out at 50 miles an hour. We did not stop for stop signs, we simply free wheeled down the road until we reached the bottom over a mile from the top.

When my parents overheard Bob and I talking about our adventures, you can imagine their reaction. “Listen to me carefully, don’t you ever do that again!”

Of course we made the trip several times again. Back in those early days of my life, our parents often did not know what or where we were. The wide open spaces that no longer exist called us to many adventures.

On one of these excursions to the foothills, the brakes on my bike went out. I knew this before we began our descent. That did not stop me. I had not used brakes on prior occasions so there was no need to worry.

We began our thrill ride down the hill and as usual were going very fast. As we neared the bottom of the hill I saw a car pulling out from a stop sign and there was no way I was going to avoid it. My heart was pounding and my brain was trying to think of what to do in those split seconds. At the last moment I dove off of my bike into a bank of Ivy. My bicycle continued unmanned down the street. How it avoided the car I do not know, but it did and eventually overturned at the bottom of the hill about a quarter mile away. The Ivy had cushioned my fall and other than a few cuts and bruises, I was okay. It was in that moment that I realized maybe my parents were not as dumb as I thought.

But this is not a good example of listening. Listening was so much more as I learned later in life. It wasn’t about keeping me safe, it was about listening to other people who needed to be heard. I believe some of my past relationships with wives and friends failed because of my inability to listen so that they felt they were heard. I know I didn’t always listen to my children and to acquaintances like I should have. I even attended “active listening” classes and was involved in establishing a peer support program within the Sheriff’s Department I worked for. Active listening was a key part of that curriculum.

I was able to turn my listening skill off and on. If I was in a situation at work where I was working in my peer support capacity, I turned it on and when it was over I pretty much turned it off. As a result I was so into myself that I didn’t pay much attention to those important moments in my relationships.

When I met Diann, we often talked on the phone several times a day. That was in the beginning of our relationship after we first met. We were both hurting. Diann from a lifetime of emotional abuse and me from the loss of my wife Danielle. Maybe for the first time in my life I found out how much I needed to be heard and as a result I really started to listen to Diann. It wasn’t hard, I just applied my active listening skills to my current situation and soon it became second nature.

As our relationship progressed we began a tradition. Each morning, we would sit together and either discuss an issue of interest or more often we read together. Some of the books we read were by some of our favorite authors: Florence Shinn, Dr.Wayne Dyer, Eric Butterworth, Neale Donald Walsh and many more. We usually had two books so that we could read along and highlight or make notes as we read. We would read a chapter or a few pages and then discuss what we had just read. Often our conversations would wander from what we just read but the miracle for me was that I was able to truly listen to what Diann was saying. I often could not believe how wise she was and we learned from each other. Some days the discussion might last only a few minutes but often we talked for more than an hour. As we digested the material we might talk again during the day.

So what does all of this listening have to do with love? As Diann and I sat together and listened to each other, I saw an aura that seemed to surround her. She was exhibiting a glow and she became more beautiful to me. Not only in her face but I was able to see the love coming from her heart. I fell more and more in love with my partner, now my wife.

As time has progressed over these last few years this tradition continues. We meet together each morning, not out of a sense of duty, but because we truly enjoy our times together. In my lifetime I had never felt one with another human being. With Diann the love that exists between us has allowed us to be as one. Finishing each others sentences or knowing what a decision was before it was made has become fun.

I had known in my head what unconditional love was but I had never felt it before. Today and for whatever time I have left on this earth I have found my Heaven, my Nirvana by listening to the love that comes from my partner and soul-mate.

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DROWNED RATS

Have you ever heard an advertisement that really hits home with you and you can imagine how great it will be if you answer the ad? Then to only be disappointed when the ad does not meet your expectations.

I remember trips across country with my parents. My sister Norma and I were somewhere around 9 or 10 years old during our first trip. My parents had good friends in Grand Rapids, Michigan and we would often spend our vacations visiting with them. We were living in Arcadia, California, a suburb of Los Angeles.

This would have been in the mid 1950s and we travelled in our 1951 Nash. It was a 4 door and the car reminded me of an upside down bathtub.

As we travelled Route 66 we would see billboard advertisements for “Trading Posts”. My dad would be enticed by these ads for unusual sights. I remember one billboard advertising baby rattlers. We were excited to see rattlesnakes up close so we stopped and found a enclosure containing baby rattles not rattlesnakes. But my dad was not dissuaded. I believe we stopped at every trading post on Route 66, of which there were many.
How many of you in your cross country drives or while driving through South Dakota remember Wall Drugs. The first billboards started showing up over 100 miles away. Each billboard attempted to entice you to stop. Who could not give in to “Free Ice Water” or the enticement of Wall Drug having everything one would ever need. Each billboard gave more information including the distance one had to travel to arrive.

Fast forward to today. My wife Diann and I are living in Blue Springs, Missouri. That’s about a 20 minute drive east of Kansas City. We see an ad that is about the Amtrak River Runner. It tells us that it is a route from Kansas City to St. Louis, Missouri. The Amtrak train route runs along the Missouri River all the way to St. Louis and back. Based upon the advertisement and our imagining the trip along the river, we booked passage on the Amtrak River Runner.

We boarded the train on the appointed day ready to see the beauty of the Missouri River. The train began its journey and we were awaiting the beauty we expected. Well there was no dome car and the windows on the train were about mid-level on each of the train cars. There were bushes that lined almost the entire route and nothing beyond these bushes could be seen. We eventually reached the Missouri River. The train crossed the river and that was the last we saw of any river.

Upon reaching the St. Louis Union Station it began to rain. Not just a drizzle but a full-out cloud burst. We had no umbrella and as we departed the train had to go some distance to be under any kind of cover. Needless to say, by the time we reached any cover we were totally drenched. We managed to arrange transportation to our hotel but arrived there looking like two drowned rats. But it was fun and that’s what life is all about.

Inspite of the trip not measuring up to the advertisement, Diann and I had a wonderful time together both on the train and for the remainder of our stay and trip back home.

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February 2025

“Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.”I see three parts to this important Step.

  1. To believe
  2. That a Power
  3. Could restore me to sanity

As I started coming out of my alcoholic haze, I pretty much overlooked this important Step. I read it, I understood it, (I thought) and I moved on to the next Step.

I was not interested in believing in anything, especially not a Power greater than me, and I knew for a fact I was insane. It wasn’t until the haze began to clear that I realized my alcoholic condition had rendered me totally insane.

At the time, the only thing I truly believed in was that another drink would keep me sane, The “hair of the dog” was a belief I could take to the bank. Another drink would keep me from going over the edge. My addiction was out of control, I just didn’t know it. Until I did.

Believing in anything except my SELF was foreign to me. I only believed in ME! God and I had been estranged for a very long time. He/She was only out to get me and I wanted nothing to do with God. In retrospect I realize that the idea that there was a God I wanted nothing to do with meant that I did BELIEVE in God.

And what about insanity? I read the definition of sanity this morning. I read, “The ability to think and behave in a normal, rational, manner; sound mental health.” And conversely, the definition of insanity, “The state of being seriously mentally ill; madness.”

Those definitions leave a lot to the imagination. I think most of us in recovery have our own definition of insanity. The insanity temporarily rendered to us by our own alcoholism. When we realized the hold that alcohol had on our lives, our minds, our hearts, our emotions, we were seriously insane. For me, it was about fear and anger. They overpowered my thought processes and reigned over all of my emotions.

A friend to many of us in AA, Janice Rea, who passed away suddenly several years ago used to openly talk about her insanity, inside and out of sobriety. She joked about her insane way of living and yet was an icon of what it was like to live fearlessly. She involved herself in everything and anything that interested her. She had found a new life in AA and she enjoyed living freely with what she referred to as “an insane lifestyle. And those of who knew her gravitated to her and listened to her wisdom. Janice died doing what she loved to do. She fell off a cliff while practicing her search and rescue work. All these years later I still embrace her wisdom and her insanity.

If sanity is what Janice had in sobriety, I want some of it. Finding my physical sobriety, my spiritual sobriety, and my emotional sobriety is the journey I am on. And the journey has been exciting.

As I work this Step, I have found new freedoms. I have found a Higher Power I call God but that God was discovered when I entered the halls of Alcoholics Anonymous. My God is no longer a God who requires dogmatic adherence to certain behaviors or types of worship. My Higher Power is a God of love who accepts me as perfect in spite of my imperfections. My God no longer judges me! And I do my best to stay away from judging others.

I have been re-reading a book I read many years ago entitled, “Conversations with God” by Neale Donald Walsh. I found a few paragraphs that explained who I was and what I was. This is God’s response to a question posed by Walsh:

“I have not said your values are wrong. But neither are they right. They are simply judgment. Assessments. Decisions. For the most part, they are decisions made not by you, but by someone else. Your parents, perhaps. Your religion. Your teachers., historians, politicians.”

“Very few of your value judgments you have incorporated into your truth are judgments, you, yourself, have made based upon your own experience. Yet experience is what you came here for – and out of your experience were you to create yourself. You have created yourself out of the experience of others.”

“If there were such a thing as sin, this would be it: to allow yourself to become what you are because of the experience of others. This is the ‘sin’ you have committed. All of you. You do not await your own experience, you accept the experience of others as gospel (literally), and then, when you encounter the actual experience for the first time, you overlay what you think you already know onto the encounter.”

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THE MIRACLE AT STARBUCK’S

I happen to be a firm believer that our loved ones who have passed through that door we call death, enter into another realm that is filled with love. This is a story of love that comes from beyond the grave or in this case beyond a loved one’s ashes. I hope you see this as a wonderful love story.

Following the passing of my dear wife Danielle, I thought my life as I knew it had ended. I could not imagine life without Danielle. And I never believed I could ever love again.

I need to go back to a week or two before Danielle died. She and I were sitting in our living room. Danielle on our couch and me in the chair facing the couch. Danielle said she had something to say to me. She said, “After I’m gone Ray, I want you to find another woman.”

I was flabbergasted. I replied that I could not even consider such a thing. I was in love with Danielle and the thought of another woman in my life was unthinkable, and I told her so. She then said, “Okay, if you won’t find someone, I’ll find someone for you!” I laughed and told her my only interest was in remaining with her, my true love.

Danielle passed away on Christmas Eve 2022 after a very brief encounter with Leukemia. For me my life was over. Now fast forward to a few months later.

I walked into a Starbuck’s coffee shop and saw this beautiful lady standing in line. Not just a beautiful lady but someone I had actually seen in my dreams. As I walked towards this lovely lady a connection occured as we looked into each others’ eyes. As I was standing in line to order I struck up a conversation. I introduced myself as Ray and she said her name was Diann. When we arruived at the counter to place our order, I ordered a hot chocolate for Diann and a Coffee Mocha for me. She thanked me and we took a table together. And that was the beginning of an amazing and loving relationship, although neither of knew it at the time. Diann explained that she was married but in the process of a separation. I explained my marital situation and we began what was to become a two and a half hour conversation.

We spoke of many things including each of our current living situations, the feelings and emotions attached to leaving these situations, and the fact that we each had difficulties seeing our futures. As Diann and I talked with each other it was if we had known each other our entire lives. We each were baring our souls of things I thought I was not ready to share with anyone, let alone a complete stranger.

I shared about Danielle and my love for her as well as some of our experiences. Diann shared about her marital circumstances and the need to leave a loveless marriage. She also spoke of John, a love lost to death but also the love of her life from years ago. I think that we were both experiencing similar feelings as we dealt with the end of our relationships and of our grief.

At one point in the conversaton when Diann was speaking of a not-so-nice experience in her past, Diann had spent a good part of her life being emotionally abused and used. As she was speaking of her abusive relationship I felt moved to reach across the table and place my hand on hers. It was such a special moment. I felt a deep compassion for her past life and let her know I was here for her. There was something magical in the twinkling of an eye moment. It was electrical. Having only met this lady and having the feelings I was feeling for her was most unusual.
I was living in Missouri and I was planning a trip to visit my brothers in Oregon and California. I had not seen my family in nearly 8 years and so this road trip was very special to me. On my way to the west coast I was planning to see parts of the United States as I traveled through various states on my journey. As Diann and I continued our conversation these next words came out of my mouth. There was no forethought, I to this day do not know where the words came from, but nevertheless out they came. I said, “I’m going on a road trip to California and I’m taking you with me!” And Diann immediately answered, “Yes, I’m going with you.” Later I walked Diann to her car and I did something that seemed so natural to me. I pulled her to me and kissed her. Not a long enduring kiss, just a short but meaningful kiss. We each departed and went our separate ways.

Two months later we did make that three week road trip, but before that happened, Diann and I spoke on the phone every day. Sometimes we spoke two or three times a day and each conversation lasted for at least 90 minutes or more. We shared all of our secrets, we spoke of so many things, we bared our feelings, and each day we fell more and more in love with each other.

Diann and I moved in with each other a few months later. As she moved through her divorce and I dealt with my grief, we continued to support each other.

One of the traditions that we established without realizing it was that each morning we would sit together and share special moments of conversation. Eventually we began reading spiritual, motivational, inspirational, or educational books together. Following our readings we continued a dialogue that lasted anywhere from 5 minutes to more than an hour. But the best part was that we really listened to each other. We shared our feelings and our deepest secrets. I told Diann things I had not told another human being. I was completely and totally transparent and I believe she has been the same with me. As a result a bond of love grew between us. A bond of love, friendship and mutual respect for one another. Today we still continue these mornings together where our spirits seem to touch and we feel a oneness in our relationship.

Today we have the opportunity to live our lives as one. Diann and I married on August 16, 2024 and our love continues to thrive. I never imagined I would ever be so happy again but today I am the happiest I have ever been. Our relationship is magical and for me often euphoric.. Not one angry word, not one fight, and only friendly disagreements from time to time. Our relationship is over the top. We speak of how special it is on a regular basis.

So, I’d like to think that Diann and John made it possible for the two of us to come together and that somehow they both remain intertwined in our lives. I know that somehow those two made sure we were at Stabucks on that wonderful day.

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Peace Officer’s Fellowship May 1998

Editor’s Notes:
This past month has been both frustrating and rewarding. The number of alcohol referrals has increased significantly. I am told this is usual for this time of year. I would have thought that business would be up over the Christmas holidays, but apparently not. Spring brings with it the financial pressures resulting from overspending during December and problems associated with April income tax. Depression following the holidays is also common. These and other problems relate to increased drinking, and an increase in business for me.

The frustration comes from dealing with the alcoholic who doesn’t think he/she needs help. I try to remember that I am only the messenger; I have no control over the alcoholic and am not responsible for his/her recovery. Detoxification, in-patient and out-patient services, 90 meetings in 90 days, and on-going twelfth step sessions are the tools necessary to help the practicing alcoholic on his/her road to recovery. Often it is necessary to allow the suffering alcoholic to continue on his/her path of destruction, until they realize their need for help. It is not easy to stand by and watch a fellow employee or friend lose their job, family or life.

The rewards, it would seem, come from helping those who see the problems alcohol is creating in their lives and are willing to take steps to gain sobriety. They attend meetings and listen to the wisdom provided by each of you. They are enthusiastic in their approach to working the program and usually succeed. They find a sponsor and work the 12 steps to the best of their abilities.

In my recovery, I was representative of the individuals I have described. Initially I came kicking and screaming. I did not need a program. I was not an alcoholic, even though deep down I knew I had the disease. In helping those who still suffer, the work is difficult and the frustration is high. I hope for an “easier, softer way” but it is not to be. I must continue to carry the message and allow God to do his work.

I’d also like to thank each of you who take time out at your meetings to pray for the alcoholic who still suffers. Your prayers are working.

Thank you for allowing me to share.

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DANCE, DANCE, DANCE!

All of her life, Danielle has loved to dance. She is the exact opposite of me when it comes to dancing. Where Danielle dances freely and uninhibited, I am an introvert, maybe because I never took lessons and don’t really know the proper steps, and my two left feet got in my way. I always felt clumsy when I danced and thought every one in the room was watching me. I believed I had two left feet. But that all changed in a flash when I met Danielle.

We both enjoy music of all kinds. We have the opportunity to listen to a variety of CD’s on our way to our church on Sunday mornings. You see, we live in the little town of Mountainair, New Mexico (population 980) which is about an hour and a half from our church in Albuquerque. We drive there every Sunday morning.

Believe it or not, we enjoy the ride. We drive through a beautiful canyon with tall pine trees and a winding road. Often we drive all the way to Albuquerque and don’t see another car traveling in our direction and maybe only a handful going the opposite way. Danielle and I often have inspired conversations or we sing together to the CD playing on our car radio. Country gospel seems to be our favorite and we sing the old familiar hymns together. In the Garden, The Old Rugged Cross, How Great Thou Art and so many more. We also enjoy the classics from the 1940s and 50s.

On one of our Sunday trips, we were listening to Anne Murray sing some of these oldies. One of my favorites and one Danielle had not heard before was As Time Goes By from the movie Casa Blanca with Humphrey Bogart and Ingrid Bergman. As the song was playing, Danielle suddenly shouted, “Pull over and stop the car! Not knowing what emergency was occurring, I quickly pulled over. She told me to come around to the passenger side of the car and to hurry. I got out of the car and ran around to the other side. By then, Danielle had gotten out of the car, left her car door open and cranked up the radio as loud as it would go. She then said, “Let’s dance!”

Before I knew it I was holding my darling wife in my arms and we were dancing to this wonderful music. We danced in the dirt strip along the highway, and of course, I was looking out for other cars whose drivers would think we were crazy. And then I remembered…who cares? I am free and I am with the woman I love!!! I can dance like no one is watching and in the end Iwas overcome with joy, love and laughter. When the song was over, we thanked each other for the dance, kissed each other passionately and told one another how much we loved each other. And then we got back into the car in a state of joy and bliss. What an amazing morning. A memory to last a lifetime.

Speaking of memories, I have learned a valuable lesson when going places with Danielle. If she says, “Wanna make a memory?” I should consider running in the opposite direction.

One day we were in Old Town Albuquerque. I have friends from Ecuador who play Andian style flute music in the Old Town square. Danielle had not met them and I wanted to introduce her and enjoy their music. Following introductions, we were sitting at a table listening to the music being played by our friends. About this time, a group of 10 or 12 adults came into the square and sat down. It turned out that they were a group that were living with a variety of mental disabilities. It was obvious they were enjoying themselves as they swayed to the music. It was then that Danielle looked over at me and said those fateful words, “Wanna make a memory?” I asked what she had in mind and she said she wanted me to go dance with one of the ladies from this group. She said she was going to go and dance with the young man who was in a wheelchair. As she was awaiting my answer she said I looked like a deer in the headlights.

I must admit, I was scared to death. It was one thing to dance with my wife on the side of the road, but to ask a complete stranger was something else altogether. Somehow I mustered up the courage and put my fear behind me. I walked over to one of the ladies, a woman in her 50s and asked her if she’d like to dance? She looked a bit surprised and to my delight she sheepishly declined.. Just as I thought I might be off the hook, her girlfriend who was standing nearby, said she’d love to dance. Oh, what to do!

I took a deep breath, took this ladies hand and walked out into the square where we danced to the music of our friends. This lovely lady I was dancing with could not keep in step to the music but it was okay because I’m not sure I was either.. We just held on to each other and had a grand time dancing to a beat that was in this lady’s head.
As I looked over at Danielle, she was holding on to the arms of the wheelchair and swaying with the music as she moved the wheel chair to and fro and side to side as she danced with this young man. His face was beaming like a jack-o-lantern. His smile lit up the entire area and could be seen from across the square. There was no question he was throughly enjoying his dance. It was then I noticed a tourist standing off to the side of the square with a video camera. He was filming Danielle and the wheelchair bound young man. I often wonder how many times that video has been shared and what impact it may have had on others.

The dance concluded and I led my dance partner back to her chair thinking I would go and sit down. That was not to happen. The lady I had first asked to dance had lost her fear and said she’d love to dance, so back to the dance floor. It was okay. My fear had vanished and the dances were enjoyed by all. It really was a lovely experience, and certainly an event I will not soon forget. But it doesn’t end there.

On one Sunday morning at our Unity church, our friend Gene was playing his guitar and singing. Gene is special to us. We have enjoyed his singing and his performances. Gene sang at our wedding and even wrote an original song he dedicated to us. Gene often sings contemporary songs that may have a spiritual theme and that are familiar to the congregation. On this particular Sunday Gene started playing and singing Hava Nigila, the Israeli folk song. The congregation was really getting into it and were standing and clapping along with the music. Nearby I saw friend Giselle step out into the aisle pulling her husband behind her. They started dancing down the aisle to the music when the next thing I knew I was being pushed out into the aisle by Danielle. She took my hand, pulled me along and we joined Giselle and her friend. Now I know nothing about folk dancing to this tune, so I just tried to follow the steps of Giselle and Danielle. Amazingly, others began to join in and soon most of the church was dancing to the song while forming a conga line that snaked throughout the church, Seeing what was happening, Gene continued by singing more and more choruses of the song.. Finally we returned to our seats to a great sound of shouts and applause. What a wonderful way to praise our God.

Since then Danielle and I seem to break into dance just about anywhere. We have danced outside the theater while waiting for the doors to open, we dance in our living room, we dance in our heads and anywhere the spirit leads us.

The best part? Being able to dance with my wife, my sweetheart, my lover, my soul-mate and my friend.

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January 2025 Sober Thoughts

During the last 12 months we have dealt with the Twelve Steps and how they apply to those of us in recovery. So, now that we have practiced these principles in all of our affairs, what’s next?

What do we do when some of those bad habits persist? The Steps give us ways of dealing with most problematic behavior but what of those behaviors we cannot be free of?

I remember sitting in a Speaker’s Meeting after I had nearly a year of sobriety. The lady speaker was saying that after working the Steps she felt there was more needed. Her answer was to seek counseling with a psychologist. “What? I was amazed! You mean I could seek help outside of AA?”

Hearing those words I felt as if I had permission to seek help where AA did not always provide an answer. AA had given me freedom from drinking but did not always have the answers to my problems.

One of my problems was my anger. My anger would erupt at the least expected times. I had always been somewhat of a rebel and for the most part I had dealt with that issue but I still often felt anger.

I remember after hearing that lady speak at that meeting. I went to one of our department psychologists, not really sure what my issue was. During one of the visits I was suddenly struck with an overwhelming sense of grief. I could not control my emotions linked to the death of my grandmother many years before. It was apparent I had never grieved for the most important person in my life because I had been told boys don’t cry.

I went through the grieving process as if my grandmother had died the day before. As a result I understood myself a bit better and some of my anger seemed to disappear but not entirely.

As I worked on other aspects of my behavior I still had an underlying anger.

Fast forward to a couple of years ago. I had long ago been able to control my anger. The Vietnamese Buddhist Thich Nhat Hanh wrote a book entitled “Anger”. That book was the most helpful in helping me understand and control my anger.

Following the death of my wife I met Diana. We had many long conversations, sometimes several a day for many hours at a time. During these conversations a trust began to form. We both began sharing stories from our past that we had never shared with anyone. I allowed myself to become vulnerable and transparent. Maybe for the first time in my life I began to establish a trust in another person.

The changes in me must have been very subtle because I realized one day that I was no longer angry. Whatever that anger I had felt before was totally gone. Like magic it had completely disappeared. I did not understand the reason but I was totally at peace.

Diann explained that maybe it was because we had both become so totally vulnerable in our relationship with each other that we had established trust and as a result we were able to share so very much with each other.

Many of you know what I am talking a about because you have known this type of trust with another. I did not.

As a preface to what had been happening to me these last couple of years, I had begun to confront what Bill W. said about achieving emotional sobriety. The book I have mentioned before is “12 Smart Things to do when the Booze and Drugs are Gone.” It was written by a recovering alcoholic, Allen Berger, Ph.D.

It may seem like I continue to nag about the importance of this book, but for me it has brought me such peace and understanding of how I deal with my emotions. I recommend the book to you much as I might recommend a good restaurant to you. The food is so good I want to share the experience.

I had some habits I wanted to be free of. I wanted to find a way to heal myself. My friend Ed Start, recommended the book to me and I listened.

My helpers are the Big Book, the Steps, and those of you who help me in my recovery and my attempt to remain sober. There are others who can help also in helping us become more of who we want to be. Trust has become my new companion.

I forget about those New Year’s Resolutions and I just try to be the best I can be for me!

Thanks for letting me share!!!

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THE TEACHER AND THE GROOM

This is a love story. For me, it is a once in a lifetime love story. It took me all of my life to find love in a most unexpected and wonderful way. I am telling this story from my perspective but if you were to ask Danielle to tell her version, it would be almost exactly the same.

I first laid eyes on Danielle at the local elementary school in Mountainair, New Mexico. I was part of an adopted grandparent program and was standing in the school hallways awaiting the arrival of my adopted student. Down the hall a door opened and out stepped the most beautiful woman I had ever laid eyes on. I still remember the fur lined boots and matching fur lined hat. She waved, smiled and came to where I was standing and introduced herself. She went on her way and it would be a year or so later before I would see her again. I had no idea then that this beautiful lady would someday become my wife.

Once a month in Mountainair, New Mexico, this small town of 980 people, there is a food bank where food is delivered to be distributed to the people in need. Unbeknown to me, Danielle had started and continued to operate this food bank where coincidentally, I volunteered each month. It was a labor of love and a great way to get to know my fellow citizens in Mountainair. People would start lining up for the food bank at 6 AM. The food didn’t arrive until 3 PM but that allowed for people to visit, share stories, and just spend time with each other.

I was recently surprised when a check came in the mail I did not expect. It was a large sum of money and I wanted to give some away to worthy causes. As a result I donated a fairly large sum to the food bank so it could continue. It was then that I realized Danielle was the person who had started this food bank and now that she knew of my interest in helping others, she asked me for some help and invited me to a meeting.

At this meeting, Danielle and I were re-introduced to each other. I remarked to her how much I admired a pin she was wearing on her coat. It was a white dove in flight. I had no more gotten the words out of my mouth when quick as a flash, she unpinned the dove and handed it to me. It was amazing! Nothing like that had happened to me before. I was overwhelmed. I humbly accepted her gift and I still have the pin and wear it on one of my jackets. Since then I have never been surprised by Danielle’s generosity to me and others.

I wasn’t sure why I was at this meeting but it soon became apparent, Danielle needed some help. Danielle explained that a thrift shop in Albuquerque was going out of business and had offered her the entire contents of their store along with all the equipment and display racks. She just needed to get it from Albuquerque to Mountainair, a distance of about 87 miles. She had help lined up but needed a driver for the 21 foot rental truck. She asked if I would drive it for her? I accepted her request with a bit of hesitation as I had not driven a truck like this before.

On the appointed day, Danielle joined me in the cab of the truck and off we went. The day went without a hitch. We loaded the truck and moved the contents to Mountainair. There was no prelude to romance, and in fact I would only see Danielle occasionally at school or at the food bank.

As I continued my volunteer work at the school and at the food bank, I got to know her a little better.

Fast forward those two years. My wife had left me to move out of state. It was unexpected and I was quite surprised by her move. A amicable divorce followed. I had enough of failed relationships and I was not looking for another one. I was quite happy living with my dog in a house that I loved. I was one happy camper.

Halloween night 2014! I was at the elementary school for their haunted house and I encountered Danielle. During our brief conversation she happened to ask how my wife was. I explained that I was moving through a divorce and was happy with my living situation. and that was that! I thought I saw something I could not put my finger on with Danielle. Maybe it was because she asked about my wife. Why would she ask? Anyway, things moved ahead and we maintained a professional relationship.

It turned out that this school year I was mentoring a special education student and he was in Danielle’s class. Oh, did I forget to mention that Danielle is a special education teacher? Well, over time, I became acquainted with all of the special ed studentsin her class and Danielle asked me if I had time to help her students with math and reading. I agreed and I spent some time each week with her students.

By now, Christmas was approaching and most of the students in Danielle’s class came from homes which were economically depressed. I was interested in getting the student I mentored a bicycle for Christmas but did not want to create problems for the other kids in the class. I asked Danielle for her assistance in coming up with Christmas gifts for everyone in her class. She wholeheartedly agreed and we began looking for funding sources. Many people offered donations and we were able to purchase some really nice gifts for these kids.

On the Friday following Thanksgiving, 2014, Danielle invited me to her house to discuss how we would manage the gift give-a-way. She said she would make me breakfast and then we could talk about our plan.

Danielle lived on several acres of land, had her own barn, some chickens, and many, many fruit trees. Her home was beautiful and nicely furnished with a plethora of antiques. Walking into her home, it reminded me of my grandma’s house. The wooden table, the antique hutch and sideboard gave me a warm feeling. The house was warm and comfortable and the smell of Calabacitas cooking made my mouth water. Calabacitas is a Mexican dish made with squash, sausage, onions, and cheese.

After a hearty breakfast at her antique oak kitchen table, we pondered how we would move ahead with the Christmas gift-giving and were able to put a plan of action together. Danielle then politely asked me to leave as she had errands to run in Albuquerque. I think this next question was a turning point in our relationship. As I was leaving, I turned and told her I had nothing going on and asked her if she would like some company running errands. She surprised me when she said “yes” so quickly. And off we went.

Danielle and I spent a perfect day together. We had lively conversations as we learned about each other. We laughed and had fun as we went looking for the toys we would buy for our Christmas kids. Even though it was the end of November the skies were blue and the temps in the low 70s. It was nice to be out and about but even nicer being with Danielle. Like all good things, they must come to an end. Danielle was driving me back to her house so I could retrieve my car. As we were driving, Danielle spoke about how she really wanted to be more spontaneous in her day to day life I guess she decided to start immediately. My mind had not been on where we were at and when I looked out the window I didn’t recognize the landscape we were driving through. I asked her where we were and where she was going? She said she had never been to the top of Sandia Peak before and wanted to check it out. Sandia Peak is the highest peak in the Albuquerque area is at an elevation of 10, 378 feet. That was okay with me, because I really wanted our day to continue. I was so much enjoying our conversation and our time together with this remarkable woman.

As I mentioned, this was an unusually warm November and the temperatures at the bottom of the mountain were in the 70’s but at the summit it was freezing cold and blowing like the dickens. Danielle had parked her car and we decided to get out and use the restroom. Neither of us had a coat and I was dressed in short sleeves and freezing my butt off. I had finished using the restroom and was waiting for Danielle while nearly freezing to death. She finally came walking back towards me and as she walked over to me something, I will never be quite sure of, overtook me. What happened next was completely out of character for me. Here I am after spending a most wonderful day with the most beautiful woman I have ever met. She is 15 years my junior and way out of my league. To this day I do know that it was an amazing act of courage with a sprinkling of craziness! As she came to me, I wrapped my arms around her in a great big bear hug and planted a warm (and wonderful, I might add) kiss on her lips. For me it was the kiss of my lifetime. Not any ordinary kiss, but the feeling of my lips and her lush, red lips was an extraordinary experience as our lips met. Not sensuous, not empty, but filled with a love and passion that was new to me. For a moment I was no longer cold, I was warm all over and it was if I had been transported to Shangri La. I think it was a divinely inspired kiss! It could have been nothing less to evoke the feelings I felt in that brief moment. Although the kiss was brief, it had an impact on me that remains with me yet today. And that, my friends, is how we began dating.

Please don’t miss reading the chapter entitled “The Miracle of the Stars” for the miraculous event that sealed the deal for our marriage.

We dated until May 16, 2015 which is our wedding anniversary. We remained single and celibate until our marriage and we invited God to be part of our relationship. A decision I have never come to regret. I proposed to her in the Unity Church of Albuquerque and that was also the place of our marriage.

My relationships of the past left much to be desired. The last thing I was looking for was another relationship and I had told myself I would remain single for the rest of my years. But God had a surprise in store for me and I thank Him every day for the joy and happiness I have found in my life with Danielle.Here comes the teacher and the groom!

Oh, by the way; the kids from Danielle’s class had a very merry Christmas that year as we were able to fulfill all of their Christmas dreams.