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THE MIRACLE AT STARBUCK’S

I happen to be a firm believer that our loved ones who have passed through that door we call death, enter into another realm that is filled with love. This is a story of love that comes from beyond the grave or in this case beyond a loved one’s ashes. I hope you see this as a wonderful love story.

Following the passing of my dear wife Danielle, I thought my life as I knew it had ended. I could not imagine life without Danielle. And I never believed I could ever love again.

I need to go back to a week or two before Danielle died. She and I were sitting in our living room. Danielle on our couch and me in the chair facing the couch. Danielle said she had something to say to me. She said, “After I’m gone Ray, I want you to find another woman.”

I was flabbergasted. I replied that I could not even consider such a thing. I was in love with Danielle and the thought of another woman in my life was unthinkable, and I told her so. She then said, “Okay, if you won’t find someone, I’ll find someone for you!” I laughed and told her my only interest was in remaining with her, my true love.

Danielle passed away on Christmas Eve 2022 after a very brief encounter with Leukemia. For me my life was over. Now fast forward to a few months later.

I walked into a Starbuck’s coffee shop and saw this beautiful lady standing in line. Not just a beautiful lady but someone I had actually seen in my dreams. As I walked towards this lovely lady a connection occured as we looked into each others’ eyes. As I was standing in line to order I struck up a conversation. I introduced myself as Ray and she said her name was Diann. When we arruived at the counter to place our order, I ordered a hot chocolate for Diann and a Coffee Mocha for me. She thanked me and we took a table together. And that was the beginning of an amazing and loving relationship, although neither of knew it at the time. Diann explained that she was married but in the process of a separation. I explained my marital situation and we began what was to become a two and a half hour conversation.

We spoke of many things including each of our current living situations, the feelings and emotions attached to leaving these situations, and the fact that we each had difficulties seeing our futures. As Diann and I talked with each other it was if we had known each other our entire lives. We each were baring our souls of things I thought I was not ready to share with anyone, let alone a complete stranger.

I shared about Danielle and my love for her as well as some of our experiences. Diann shared about her marital circumstances and the need to leave a loveless marriage. She also spoke of John, a love lost to death but also the love of her life from years ago. I think that we were both experiencing similar feelings as we dealt with the end of our relationships and of our grief.

At one point in the conversaton when Diann was speaking of a not-so-nice experience in her past, Diann had spent a good part of her life being emotionally abused and used. As she was speaking of her abusive relationship I felt moved to reach across the table and place my hand on hers. It was such a special moment. I felt a deep compassion for her past life and let her know I was here for her. There was something magical in the twinkling of an eye moment. It was electrical. Having only met this lady and having the feelings I was feeling for her was most unusual.
I was living in Missouri and I was planning a trip to visit my brothers in Oregon and California. I had not seen my family in nearly 8 years and so this road trip was very special to me. On my way to the west coast I was planning to see parts of the United States as I traveled through various states on my journey. As Diann and I continued our conversation these next words came out of my mouth. There was no forethought, I to this day do not know where the words came from, but nevertheless out they came. I said, “I’m going on a road trip to California and I’m taking you with me!” And Diann immediately answered, “Yes, I’m going with you.” Later I walked Diann to her car and I did something that seemed so natural to me. I pulled her to me and kissed her. Not a long enduring kiss, just a short but meaningful kiss. We each departed and went our separate ways.

Two months later we did make that three week road trip, but before that happened, Diann and I spoke on the phone every day. Sometimes we spoke two or three times a day and each conversation lasted for at least 90 minutes or more. We shared all of our secrets, we spoke of so many things, we bared our feelings, and each day we fell more and more in love with each other.

Diann and I moved in with each other a few months later. As she moved through her divorce and I dealt with my grief, we continued to support each other.

One of the traditions that we established without realizing it was that each morning we would sit together and share special moments of conversation. Eventually we began reading spiritual, motivational, inspirational, or educational books together. Following our readings we continued a dialogue that lasted anywhere from 5 minutes to more than an hour. But the best part was that we really listened to each other. We shared our feelings and our deepest secrets. I told Diann things I had not told another human being. I was completely and totally transparent and I believe she has been the same with me. As a result a bond of love grew between us. A bond of love, friendship and mutual respect for one another. Today we still continue these mornings together where our spirits seem to touch and we feel a oneness in our relationship.

Today we have the opportunity to live our lives as one. Diann and I married on August 16, 2024 and our love continues to thrive. I never imagined I would ever be so happy again but today I am the happiest I have ever been. Our relationship is magical and for me often euphoric.. Not one angry word, not one fight, and only friendly disagreements from time to time. Our relationship is over the top. We speak of how special it is on a regular basis.

So, I’d like to think that Diann and John made it possible for the two of us to come together and that somehow they both remain intertwined in our lives. I know that somehow those two made sure we were at Stabucks on that wonderful day.

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Peace Officer’s Fellowship May 1998

Editor’s Notes:
This past month has been both frustrating and rewarding. The number of alcohol referrals has increased significantly. I am told this is usual for this time of year. I would have thought that business would be up over the Christmas holidays, but apparently not. Spring brings with it the financial pressures resulting from overspending during December and problems associated with April income tax. Depression following the holidays is also common. These and other problems relate to increased drinking, and an increase in business for me.

The frustration comes from dealing with the alcoholic who doesn’t think he/she needs help. I try to remember that I am only the messenger; I have no control over the alcoholic and am not responsible for his/her recovery. Detoxification, in-patient and out-patient services, 90 meetings in 90 days, and on-going twelfth step sessions are the tools necessary to help the practicing alcoholic on his/her road to recovery. Often it is necessary to allow the suffering alcoholic to continue on his/her path of destruction, until they realize their need for help. It is not easy to stand by and watch a fellow employee or friend lose their job, family or life.

The rewards, it would seem, come from helping those who see the problems alcohol is creating in their lives and are willing to take steps to gain sobriety. They attend meetings and listen to the wisdom provided by each of you. They are enthusiastic in their approach to working the program and usually succeed. They find a sponsor and work the 12 steps to the best of their abilities.

In my recovery, I was representative of the individuals I have described. Initially I came kicking and screaming. I did not need a program. I was not an alcoholic, even though deep down I knew I had the disease. In helping those who still suffer, the work is difficult and the frustration is high. I hope for an “easier, softer way” but it is not to be. I must continue to carry the message and allow God to do his work.

I’d also like to thank each of you who take time out at your meetings to pray for the alcoholic who still suffers. Your prayers are working.

Thank you for allowing me to share.

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DANCE, DANCE, DANCE!

All of her life, Danielle has loved to dance. She is the exact opposite of me when it comes to dancing. Where Danielle dances freely and uninhibited, I am an introvert, maybe because I never took lessons and don’t really know the proper steps, and my two left feet got in my way. I always felt clumsy when I danced and thought every one in the room was watching me. I believed I had two left feet. But that all changed in a flash when I met Danielle.

We both enjoy music of all kinds. We have the opportunity to listen to a variety of CD’s on our way to our church on Sunday mornings. You see, we live in the little town of Mountainair, New Mexico (population 980) which is about an hour and a half from our church in Albuquerque. We drive there every Sunday morning.

Believe it or not, we enjoy the ride. We drive through a beautiful canyon with tall pine trees and a winding road. Often we drive all the way to Albuquerque and don’t see another car traveling in our direction and maybe only a handful going the opposite way. Danielle and I often have inspired conversations or we sing together to the CD playing on our car radio. Country gospel seems to be our favorite and we sing the old familiar hymns together. In the Garden, The Old Rugged Cross, How Great Thou Art and so many more. We also enjoy the classics from the 1940s and 50s.

On one of our Sunday trips, we were listening to Anne Murray sing some of these oldies. One of my favorites and one Danielle had not heard before was As Time Goes By from the movie Casa Blanca with Humphrey Bogart and Ingrid Bergman. As the song was playing, Danielle suddenly shouted, “Pull over and stop the car! Not knowing what emergency was occurring, I quickly pulled over. She told me to come around to the passenger side of the car and to hurry. I got out of the car and ran around to the other side. By then, Danielle had gotten out of the car, left her car door open and cranked up the radio as loud as it would go. She then said, “Let’s dance!”

Before I knew it I was holding my darling wife in my arms and we were dancing to this wonderful music. We danced in the dirt strip along the highway, and of course, I was looking out for other cars whose drivers would think we were crazy. And then I remembered…who cares? I am free and I am with the woman I love!!! I can dance like no one is watching and in the end Iwas overcome with joy, love and laughter. When the song was over, we thanked each other for the dance, kissed each other passionately and told one another how much we loved each other. And then we got back into the car in a state of joy and bliss. What an amazing morning. A memory to last a lifetime.

Speaking of memories, I have learned a valuable lesson when going places with Danielle. If she says, “Wanna make a memory?” I should consider running in the opposite direction.

One day we were in Old Town Albuquerque. I have friends from Ecuador who play Andian style flute music in the Old Town square. Danielle had not met them and I wanted to introduce her and enjoy their music. Following introductions, we were sitting at a table listening to the music being played by our friends. About this time, a group of 10 or 12 adults came into the square and sat down. It turned out that they were a group that were living with a variety of mental disabilities. It was obvious they were enjoying themselves as they swayed to the music. It was then that Danielle looked over at me and said those fateful words, “Wanna make a memory?” I asked what she had in mind and she said she wanted me to go dance with one of the ladies from this group. She said she was going to go and dance with the young man who was in a wheelchair. As she was awaiting my answer she said I looked like a deer in the headlights.

I must admit, I was scared to death. It was one thing to dance with my wife on the side of the road, but to ask a complete stranger was something else altogether. Somehow I mustered up the courage and put my fear behind me. I walked over to one of the ladies, a woman in her 50s and asked her if she’d like to dance? She looked a bit surprised and to my delight she sheepishly declined.. Just as I thought I might be off the hook, her girlfriend who was standing nearby, said she’d love to dance. Oh, what to do!

I took a deep breath, took this ladies hand and walked out into the square where we danced to the music of our friends. This lovely lady I was dancing with could not keep in step to the music but it was okay because I’m not sure I was either.. We just held on to each other and had a grand time dancing to a beat that was in this lady’s head.
As I looked over at Danielle, she was holding on to the arms of the wheelchair and swaying with the music as she moved the wheel chair to and fro and side to side as she danced with this young man. His face was beaming like a jack-o-lantern. His smile lit up the entire area and could be seen from across the square. There was no question he was throughly enjoying his dance. It was then I noticed a tourist standing off to the side of the square with a video camera. He was filming Danielle and the wheelchair bound young man. I often wonder how many times that video has been shared and what impact it may have had on others.

The dance concluded and I led my dance partner back to her chair thinking I would go and sit down. That was not to happen. The lady I had first asked to dance had lost her fear and said she’d love to dance, so back to the dance floor. It was okay. My fear had vanished and the dances were enjoyed by all. It really was a lovely experience, and certainly an event I will not soon forget. But it doesn’t end there.

On one Sunday morning at our Unity church, our friend Gene was playing his guitar and singing. Gene is special to us. We have enjoyed his singing and his performances. Gene sang at our wedding and even wrote an original song he dedicated to us. Gene often sings contemporary songs that may have a spiritual theme and that are familiar to the congregation. On this particular Sunday Gene started playing and singing Hava Nigila, the Israeli folk song. The congregation was really getting into it and were standing and clapping along with the music. Nearby I saw friend Giselle step out into the aisle pulling her husband behind her. They started dancing down the aisle to the music when the next thing I knew I was being pushed out into the aisle by Danielle. She took my hand, pulled me along and we joined Giselle and her friend. Now I know nothing about folk dancing to this tune, so I just tried to follow the steps of Giselle and Danielle. Amazingly, others began to join in and soon most of the church was dancing to the song while forming a conga line that snaked throughout the church, Seeing what was happening, Gene continued by singing more and more choruses of the song.. Finally we returned to our seats to a great sound of shouts and applause. What a wonderful way to praise our God.

Since then Danielle and I seem to break into dance just about anywhere. We have danced outside the theater while waiting for the doors to open, we dance in our living room, we dance in our heads and anywhere the spirit leads us.

The best part? Being able to dance with my wife, my sweetheart, my lover, my soul-mate and my friend.

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January 2025 Sober Thoughts

During the last 12 months we have dealt with the Twelve Steps and how they apply to those of us in recovery. So, now that we have practiced these principles in all of our affairs, what’s next?

What do we do when some of those bad habits persist? The Steps give us ways of dealing with most problematic behavior but what of those behaviors we cannot be free of?

I remember sitting in a Speaker’s Meeting after I had nearly a year of sobriety. The lady speaker was saying that after working the Steps she felt there was more needed. Her answer was to seek counseling with a psychologist. “What? I was amazed! You mean I could seek help outside of AA?”

Hearing those words I felt as if I had permission to seek help where AA did not always provide an answer. AA had given me freedom from drinking but did not always have the answers to my problems.

One of my problems was my anger. My anger would erupt at the least expected times. I had always been somewhat of a rebel and for the most part I had dealt with that issue but I still often felt anger.

I remember after hearing that lady speak at that meeting. I went to one of our department psychologists, not really sure what my issue was. During one of the visits I was suddenly struck with an overwhelming sense of grief. I could not control my emotions linked to the death of my grandmother many years before. It was apparent I had never grieved for the most important person in my life because I had been told boys don’t cry.

I went through the grieving process as if my grandmother had died the day before. As a result I understood myself a bit better and some of my anger seemed to disappear but not entirely.

As I worked on other aspects of my behavior I still had an underlying anger.

Fast forward to a couple of years ago. I had long ago been able to control my anger. The Vietnamese Buddhist Thich Nhat Hanh wrote a book entitled “Anger”. That book was the most helpful in helping me understand and control my anger.

Following the death of my wife I met Diana. We had many long conversations, sometimes several a day for many hours at a time. During these conversations a trust began to form. We both began sharing stories from our past that we had never shared with anyone. I allowed myself to become vulnerable and transparent. Maybe for the first time in my life I began to establish a trust in another person.

The changes in me must have been very subtle because I realized one day that I was no longer angry. Whatever that anger I had felt before was totally gone. Like magic it had completely disappeared. I did not understand the reason but I was totally at peace.

Diann explained that maybe it was because we had both become so totally vulnerable in our relationship with each other that we had established trust and as a result we were able to share so very much with each other.

Many of you know what I am talking a about because you have known this type of trust with another. I did not.

As a preface to what had been happening to me these last couple of years, I had begun to confront what Bill W. said about achieving emotional sobriety. The book I have mentioned before is “12 Smart Things to do when the Booze and Drugs are Gone.” It was written by a recovering alcoholic, Allen Berger, Ph.D.

It may seem like I continue to nag about the importance of this book, but for me it has brought me such peace and understanding of how I deal with my emotions. I recommend the book to you much as I might recommend a good restaurant to you. The food is so good I want to share the experience.

I had some habits I wanted to be free of. I wanted to find a way to heal myself. My friend Ed Start, recommended the book to me and I listened.

My helpers are the Big Book, the Steps, and those of you who help me in my recovery and my attempt to remain sober. There are others who can help also in helping us become more of who we want to be. Trust has become my new companion.

I forget about those New Year’s Resolutions and I just try to be the best I can be for me!

Thanks for letting me share!!!

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THE TEACHER AND THE GROOM

This is a love story. For me, it is a once in a lifetime love story. It took me all of my life to find love in a most unexpected and wonderful way. I am telling this story from my perspective but if you were to ask Danielle to tell her version, it would be almost exactly the same.

I first laid eyes on Danielle at the local elementary school in Mountainair, New Mexico. I was part of an adopted grandparent program and was standing in the school hallways awaiting the arrival of my adopted student. Down the hall a door opened and out stepped the most beautiful woman I had ever laid eyes on. I still remember the fur lined boots and matching fur lined hat. She waved, smiled and came to where I was standing and introduced herself. She went on her way and it would be a year or so later before I would see her again. I had no idea then that this beautiful lady would someday become my wife.

Once a month in Mountainair, New Mexico, this small town of 980 people, there is a food bank where food is delivered to be distributed to the people in need. Unbeknown to me, Danielle had started and continued to operate this food bank where coincidentally, I volunteered each month. It was a labor of love and a great way to get to know my fellow citizens in Mountainair. People would start lining up for the food bank at 6 AM. The food didn’t arrive until 3 PM but that allowed for people to visit, share stories, and just spend time with each other.

I was recently surprised when a check came in the mail I did not expect. It was a large sum of money and I wanted to give some away to worthy causes. As a result I donated a fairly large sum to the food bank so it could continue. It was then that I realized Danielle was the person who had started this food bank and now that she knew of my interest in helping others, she asked me for some help and invited me to a meeting.

At this meeting, Danielle and I were re-introduced to each other. I remarked to her how much I admired a pin she was wearing on her coat. It was a white dove in flight. I had no more gotten the words out of my mouth when quick as a flash, she unpinned the dove and handed it to me. It was amazing! Nothing like that had happened to me before. I was overwhelmed. I humbly accepted her gift and I still have the pin and wear it on one of my jackets. Since then I have never been surprised by Danielle’s generosity to me and others.

I wasn’t sure why I was at this meeting but it soon became apparent, Danielle needed some help. Danielle explained that a thrift shop in Albuquerque was going out of business and had offered her the entire contents of their store along with all the equipment and display racks. She just needed to get it from Albuquerque to Mountainair, a distance of about 87 miles. She had help lined up but needed a driver for the 21 foot rental truck. She asked if I would drive it for her? I accepted her request with a bit of hesitation as I had not driven a truck like this before.

On the appointed day, Danielle joined me in the cab of the truck and off we went. The day went without a hitch. We loaded the truck and moved the contents to Mountainair. There was no prelude to romance, and in fact I would only see Danielle occasionally at school or at the food bank.

As I continued my volunteer work at the school and at the food bank, I got to know her a little better.

Fast forward those two years. My wife had left me to move out of state. It was unexpected and I was quite surprised by her move. A amicable divorce followed. I had enough of failed relationships and I was not looking for another one. I was quite happy living with my dog in a house that I loved. I was one happy camper.

Halloween night 2014! I was at the elementary school for their haunted house and I encountered Danielle. During our brief conversation she happened to ask how my wife was. I explained that I was moving through a divorce and was happy with my living situation. and that was that! I thought I saw something I could not put my finger on with Danielle. Maybe it was because she asked about my wife. Why would she ask? Anyway, things moved ahead and we maintained a professional relationship.

It turned out that this school year I was mentoring a special education student and he was in Danielle’s class. Oh, did I forget to mention that Danielle is a special education teacher? Well, over time, I became acquainted with all of the special ed studentsin her class and Danielle asked me if I had time to help her students with math and reading. I agreed and I spent some time each week with her students.

By now, Christmas was approaching and most of the students in Danielle’s class came from homes which were economically depressed. I was interested in getting the student I mentored a bicycle for Christmas but did not want to create problems for the other kids in the class. I asked Danielle for her assistance in coming up with Christmas gifts for everyone in her class. She wholeheartedly agreed and we began looking for funding sources. Many people offered donations and we were able to purchase some really nice gifts for these kids.

On the Friday following Thanksgiving, 2014, Danielle invited me to her house to discuss how we would manage the gift give-a-way. She said she would make me breakfast and then we could talk about our plan.

Danielle lived on several acres of land, had her own barn, some chickens, and many, many fruit trees. Her home was beautiful and nicely furnished with a plethora of antiques. Walking into her home, it reminded me of my grandma’s house. The wooden table, the antique hutch and sideboard gave me a warm feeling. The house was warm and comfortable and the smell of Calabacitas cooking made my mouth water. Calabacitas is a Mexican dish made with squash, sausage, onions, and cheese.

After a hearty breakfast at her antique oak kitchen table, we pondered how we would move ahead with the Christmas gift-giving and were able to put a plan of action together. Danielle then politely asked me to leave as she had errands to run in Albuquerque. I think this next question was a turning point in our relationship. As I was leaving, I turned and told her I had nothing going on and asked her if she would like some company running errands. She surprised me when she said “yes” so quickly. And off we went.

Danielle and I spent a perfect day together. We had lively conversations as we learned about each other. We laughed and had fun as we went looking for the toys we would buy for our Christmas kids. Even though it was the end of November the skies were blue and the temps in the low 70s. It was nice to be out and about but even nicer being with Danielle. Like all good things, they must come to an end. Danielle was driving me back to her house so I could retrieve my car. As we were driving, Danielle spoke about how she really wanted to be more spontaneous in her day to day life I guess she decided to start immediately. My mind had not been on where we were at and when I looked out the window I didn’t recognize the landscape we were driving through. I asked her where we were and where she was going? She said she had never been to the top of Sandia Peak before and wanted to check it out. Sandia Peak is the highest peak in the Albuquerque area is at an elevation of 10, 378 feet. That was okay with me, because I really wanted our day to continue. I was so much enjoying our conversation and our time together with this remarkable woman.

As I mentioned, this was an unusually warm November and the temperatures at the bottom of the mountain were in the 70’s but at the summit it was freezing cold and blowing like the dickens. Danielle had parked her car and we decided to get out and use the restroom. Neither of us had a coat and I was dressed in short sleeves and freezing my butt off. I had finished using the restroom and was waiting for Danielle while nearly freezing to death. She finally came walking back towards me and as she walked over to me something, I will never be quite sure of, overtook me. What happened next was completely out of character for me. Here I am after spending a most wonderful day with the most beautiful woman I have ever met. She is 15 years my junior and way out of my league. To this day I do know that it was an amazing act of courage with a sprinkling of craziness! As she came to me, I wrapped my arms around her in a great big bear hug and planted a warm (and wonderful, I might add) kiss on her lips. For me it was the kiss of my lifetime. Not any ordinary kiss, but the feeling of my lips and her lush, red lips was an extraordinary experience as our lips met. Not sensuous, not empty, but filled with a love and passion that was new to me. For a moment I was no longer cold, I was warm all over and it was if I had been transported to Shangri La. I think it was a divinely inspired kiss! It could have been nothing less to evoke the feelings I felt in that brief moment. Although the kiss was brief, it had an impact on me that remains with me yet today. And that, my friends, is how we began dating.

Please don’t miss reading the chapter entitled “The Miracle of the Stars” for the miraculous event that sealed the deal for our marriage.

We dated until May 16, 2015 which is our wedding anniversary. We remained single and celibate until our marriage and we invited God to be part of our relationship. A decision I have never come to regret. I proposed to her in the Unity Church of Albuquerque and that was also the place of our marriage.

My relationships of the past left much to be desired. The last thing I was looking for was another relationship and I had told myself I would remain single for the rest of my years. But God had a surprise in store for me and I thank Him every day for the joy and happiness I have found in my life with Danielle.Here comes the teacher and the groom!

Oh, by the way; the kids from Danielle’s class had a very merry Christmas that year as we were able to fulfill all of their Christmas dreams.

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BUSTIN’ MY BUTTONS

My wife, Danielle, was a rodeo queen as well as a rodeo champion. She won the prestigious National Cowgirl Rodeo Championship back in 1978. This was an all around event that included barrel racing, calf roping, and goat tying.

For those of you unfamiliar with rodeo events, in barrel racing, a competitor on horseback rides around a series of four barrels in a timed event, making tight turns around a barrel without touching it. Calf roping is also done from horseback. A rider used a rope to ensnare a running calf. Lastly and this is the crux of the story is about goat tying.

Danielle disliked goat tying. A goat would be tied to a long rope and her job was to ride her horse across an arena to where the goat was tied, jump off her horse, chase the goat, pick it up and tie three of its legs together, jump up and throw up her arms. The goat had to remain tied for at least eight seconds. This was also a timed event.

On one occasion, in a rodeo stadium filled with rodeo fans, she was assigned to a very large goat. She mounted her steed and raced across the arena and jumped from her horse. She managed to grab the goat but was having difficulty in getting the three feet together, due to the goat’s squirming and its size.

She was finally able to get the feet together and by throwing the rope in such a way as it wrapped itself around the feet of the goat while holding one end of the rope in her mouth, she successfully tied the goats feet. She immediately jumped up and spread her arms so the eight second countdown could commence.

Somehow, while tying the goat’s feet, one of its feet managed to make its way beneath her blouse. As she stood up in triumph and waving her arms, the goat’s leg managed to rip all of the buttons off her blouse, exposing her to the cheering crowd.

An embarrassing experience for her, one the crowd seemed to enjoy, and a lifetime of rodeo storytelling.

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January 1995

Today, thanks to this program, I am able to accept responsibility for behavior that embarrasses me or that I’m ashamed of, and change it. I am able to make amends. I have learned that change is an ever present fact of life. As new information is sorted and acquired, old habits are discarded. I don’t let go of some behaviors easily. Some of these behaviors are like an old pair of comfortable shoes. They may be worn thin, and they embarrass me in certain company but like the bad habits I slip them on almost unconsciously — then it’s too late.


I have learned that I can act “as if”. When I feel the anger swell up I can act as if I had serenity. When I say yes to responsibility, I can act as if it is natural to be responsible. When I am confronted with situations I don’t like, but have no control over, I can act as if I accept them. This in time will pave the way for making these behaviors real.


For me to understand something and to change requires that I be open to the ideas of others, willing to part with my present opinions. Throughout my recovery I have been offered opportunities to trade in the understandings I’ve outgrown and continue to expand my understanding. When I first heard members of this Fellowship identify as an alcoholic time and time again I thought why do they dwell on their pain, why do they punish themselves? Then I discovered that perhaps the statement “I’m an alcoholic” is a cause for celebration. It is a statement of “I know what’s wrong with me, at last, and now I can get on with recovery.” Today I say I am an alcoholic with joy. I have surrendered to the fact of what I am. I take comfort in the fact I can recover and arrest the disease. I know that life is forever changing, enriched and forever fresh. Every situation, everything I read, every feeling, every person, and every idea has a slightly different hue each time I encounter it. With each encounter I have the opportunity to be enriched.

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My late wife Danielle and I had made it a habit of taking a bath together on Saturday evenings in our oversized tub as we watched the sun set in our home in beautiful New Mexico. As we bathed and enjoyed each others company we often told stories and we relived some of our experiences. One day I started writing these stories down and put them together in a book entitled Saturday Nite Baths. The book has not been published but I enjoy sharing the stories. Here is one entitled “Not Guilty”.

NOT GUILTY

Every year the Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Department, (of which I was a member for 34 years) puts on a “Round Up” in Laughlin, Nevada. This is a 4 day reunion for retired folks from the department. In 2016 Danielle and I attended.

As is our custom, when we travel, we enjoy attending local Unity churches. On this particular Sunday we found a Unity church in nearby Bullhead City, Arizona. Laughlin and Bullhead City are only separated by the Colorado River which flows between them and also forms the border between Arizona and Nevada.

At the church we were warmly greeted andinformed that the minister was on vacation but there was a special musical event being performed by Armand and Angelina Della Volpe. This was right up our alley as we loved all kinds of music. We were not disappointed as Armand and Angelina put on an amazing performance. Armand is an accomplished flute player and Angelina is a classically trained soprano.

After finishing one of their pieces, Armand gave a short message that began this way: He stood up in front of the congregation and raised his hands and as he did so he spoke these words: “I now pronounce you NOT GUILTY!” Immediately there was heard a sigh that arose from the congregation. As Danielle and I discussed it later, we both felt as if a weight had been lifted off of our shoulders. What an amazing and profound impact those two simple words had. It was then that we decided we would use these words for others whenever the moment would arise.

Just a couple of weeks later, Danielle and I were meandering around Old Town Albuquerque. It is a part of the city that has been restored and is filled with shops, an American Indian Bazaar, a beautiful Catholic church, and other buildings of historical interest. We had just finished our lunch and were returning unhurriedly to our car when we spotted a shop advertising cowgirl apparel. Well if I had not mentioned it earlier, Danielle is a real cowgirl. She was a rodeo performer and had won the coveted title of “National Rodeo Cowgirl Champion” back in 1978. (By the way, she is very easy on the eyes and was twice runner up for Miss South Dakota.) So, you see, she loves cowgirl apparel.

We were the only customers in this small boutique and as Danielle browsed I struck up a conversation with the clerk. The clerk was a 35ish lady, small in stature, who spoke with a German accent. As we talked she shared that she was from Germany and that she was very ashamed of her countrymen. Even though she could not have been alive at the time, she felt guilty for the atrocities and execution of six million Jews during World War II. She felt that when people heard her German accent they were blaming her in part for this activity that had occurred under Hitler. As she was speaking, she was not making eye contact with me. She was looking down at the counter she was standing behind. Although I did not understand why she had taken on this unnecessary guilt and responsibility, I tried to be courteous and listen without interrupting. As I saw the sadness, the depression, and the fear in this young lady, those words of Armand came back to me. When she was finished speaking, I held up my arms with my hands and palms facing outward and spoke those words I had heard from Armand: “I pronounce you NOT GUILTY!”

What happened next was nothing short of amazing. Danielle and I speak of the transition often. Tears welled up in her eyes, color returned to her face, she began to smile and her entire countenance changed. If we had taken a before and after photo the two photos would have little in common. We were looking at a different person. She said a huge load had been lifted off her shoulders. She tearfully thanked us over and over again and gave us huge warm hugs. She couldn’t stop thanking us for coming into the store. We were dumbfounded.

As this young woman thanked us for the umpteenth time, we agreed to return next time we were back in town to hopefully continue our new-found friendship and we left the shop.

A few weeks later we were back in Old Town and thought to look up our new friend. We walked to where we knew the shop to be, but it was not there. I don’t mean it was closed; it was not there. The building wasn’t there. We walked up and down the streets several times and even drove up and down the streets looking for the shop. It was like it was never there. It was a “Twilight Zone” experience. We were once again dumbfounded, how could the shop just disappear? What kind of experience did we have? Was the shop and our new friend somehow transported here temporarily? Was it only for the purpose of her having the experience with us? To receive absolution of her imaginary sins? We don’t know! We have never seen this lady nor the store again! I could not find it listed when I did an Internet search. This was really eerie!

Maybe what happened was also a lesson for us to learn.

I learned a long time ago, that I needed to love myself so that I could love others. I can only love others to the extent I love myself. Both Danielle and I have come to the conclusion that loving ourselves must come first. A huge part of loving ourselves is being able to forgive ourselves for our shortcomings and change our behavior so we do not continue do the things that caused us to look down upon ourselves in the first place. We had to pronounce ourselves, “NOT GUILTY” and then we had to live those words.

NOT GUILTY