During the last 12 months we have dealt with the Twelve Steps and how they apply to those of us in recovery. So, now that we have practiced these principles in all of our affairs, what’s next?
What do we do when some of those bad habits persist? The Steps give us ways of dealing with most problematic behavior but what of those behaviors we cannot be free of?
I remember sitting in a Speaker’s Meeting after I had nearly a year of sobriety. The lady speaker was saying that after working the Steps she felt there was more needed. Her answer was to seek counseling with a psychologist. “What? I was amazed! You mean I could seek help outside of AA?”
Hearing those words I felt as if I had permission to seek help where AA did not always provide an answer. AA had given me freedom from drinking but did not always have the answers to my problems.
One of my problems was my anger. My anger would erupt at the least expected times. I had always been somewhat of a rebel and for the most part I had dealt with that issue but I still often felt anger.
I remember after hearing that lady speak at that meeting. I went to one of our department psychologists, not really sure what my issue was. During one of the visits I was suddenly struck with an overwhelming sense of grief. I could not control my emotions linked to the death of my grandmother many years before. It was apparent I had never grieved for the most important person in my life because I had been told boys don’t cry.
I went through the grieving process as if my grandmother had died the day before. As a result I understood myself a bit better and some of my anger seemed to disappear but not entirely.
As I worked on other aspects of my behavior I still had an underlying anger.
Fast forward to a couple of years ago. I had long ago been able to control my anger. The Vietnamese Buddhist Thich Nhat Hanh wrote a book entitled “Anger”. That book was the most helpful in helping me understand and control my anger.
Following the death of my wife I met Diana. We had many long conversations, sometimes several a day for many hours at a time. During these conversations a trust began to form. We both began sharing stories from our past that we had never shared with anyone. I allowed myself to become vulnerable and transparent. Maybe for the first time in my life I began to establish a trust in another person.
The changes in me must have been very subtle because I realized one day that I was no longer angry. Whatever that anger I had felt before was totally gone. Like magic it had completely disappeared. I did not understand the reason but I was totally at peace.
Diann explained that maybe it was because we had both become so totally vulnerable in our relationship with each other that we had established trust and as a result we were able to share so very much with each other.
Many of you know what I am talking a about because you have known this type of trust with another. I did not.
As a preface to what had been happening to me these last couple of years, I had begun to confront what Bill W. said about achieving emotional sobriety. The book I have mentioned before is “12 Smart Things to do when the Booze and Drugs are Gone.” It was written by a recovering alcoholic, Allen Berger, Ph.D.
It may seem like I continue to nag about the importance of this book, but for me it has brought me such peace and understanding of how I deal with my emotions. I recommend the book to you much as I might recommend a good restaurant to you. The food is so good I want to share the experience.
I had some habits I wanted to be free of. I wanted to find a way to heal myself. My friend Ed Start, recommended the book to me and I listened.
My helpers are the Big Book, the Steps, and those of you who help me in my recovery and my attempt to remain sober. There are others who can help also in helping us become more of who we want to be. Trust has become my new companion.
I forget about those New Year’s Resolutions and I just try to be the best I can be for me!
Thanks for letting me share!!!
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